I am a Heartless Biatch

Full of thoughts

2010-03-28T23:15:00.002+08:00

November till now... I have not been updating this webby for the longest period of time... Perhaps once a while when I just wanna escape from reality or emotions perked up to the max...

Lots of things happened.... Sometimes I just wonder if I made the right move... I have been switching jobs all over and everytime I change... it gets worse.... I wonder how long will I last in this job of time... It can be so tiring at times I just want to give up....

I think I have bottled up too much.... Just felt extremely depressed and the urge to cry was so strong.... Where can I find that person I can speak freely to...

How many years.... I guess since 1998... Almost 12 years and I have not gotten one bloody fucking idiot. Why am I such a moron... It is so clearly stated that nothing good will come out of it and yet I would rather wait and HOPE that things will change... Perhaps someone was really right... I am such a turn-off to men that I only pin on the one that I liked for years...

Why am I in such a state...

Rollercoaster

2009-11-04T00:57:00.002+08:00

Cried... certain things solved...

Woke up... have to let it go.. after so many years of being unwanted...

It is always one-sided anyway....

Confused...

2009-09-19T22:03:00.002+08:00

One year plus... I even wonder if anyone reads this.... Uncle used to read here to get updated with what is going around with me... now...

I am still a confused person despite all these years....

Longer and Longer

2008-08-05T12:37:00.002+08:00

It has been more than 4 months since I last updated. Probably no one ever reads here... LOL... Still I am updating so that I can recap as the time passes away...

For starters... I have finally gotten a job that I really sort of wanted. Well, it is still kinda adminstrative at the moment... but at least I am one step closer to my goal. I have been searching for the past years what kind of job I really wanted.... now that I have found it... not really sure will I be able to attain it. At least there is a start...

It seems that most people or I would say all the people around me feel my pessimism... Yes... I have always been like that... Don't really know why.. but I always think of the worst... Everything is never perfect or do I think of the happy side... But I think some of them did felt the change since I joined this new company. Slightly happier... but I still view life as it is.. I mean.. we live in a broken world... and let's face it... if I keep picturing all the good stuffs and when it fails... doesn't it make things worse? If I picture things in a negative way... at least I am mentally prepared for it... doesn't it sound better?

Anyway... life has really changed... I lost more than 10kg... still fat... but not as fat as ever... I still crave for the love of my life... but have not found any and have not gone around looking for either... Not so sure about the direction I am heading for my personal life but.. in terms of working life... sortta grasp what I want... I will just leave it to the hands of god...

Will I ever get the best of 2 worlds?

It's over

2008-03-31T14:58:00.003+08:00

Had a long session with my clown last night. Don't know if he is the denying or he seriously did not hear I told him I like him. Deep down, I still believe he is denying it. But we had a long chat.... and he will always be my favourite clown. It is really funny though... I can still chat with someone who has rejected me.. It is really kinda rare... Happy to say... I don't have that feeling anymore...yah.. it's over..

What am I doing

2008-03-28T18:19:00.002+08:00

It seems like I only run to my blog these days to write about sad times or depressing issues happening. Seriously... happy times... I seem to be getting lesser of it these days. What is really going on with me?!!!?

Talked to my clown today. Finally realised why we never ended up together. Lack of confidence, bring me more unhappiness and blah blah. Seriously, I don't understand why he didn't tell me back then..Yes.. I admit I didn't look at him much that night, because I really like him a lot and I don't know how to react. Ok... here is what really happen.. I like this particular clown because he was there when I needed him most, I felt really comfortable with him and best of all, he makes me laugh. I know I laugh at the simplest things, but that is not really from the heart. He did.. and it meant a lot to me those days.. I vaguely remember I was quite drunk and admitted liking him. The next thing was to see him face to face about it. I was scared and this was my first (and the last) time I told a guy I liked him without knowing what he feels about me. How should a girl react when she was immature and only 18? I really feel like laughing and crying at the same time as I think back. Why did I fall for a fool or why am I so foolish to like a guy so deeply that I lost myself. Till date, I still hold that little feelings for him... however I rather appreciate him more as a friend than anything else. I won't even dare to put that amount of feelings into him again..... The reason I am talking about him now... I sortta quarrelled with him... He is supposed to cheer me up and ended... I feel worse than before.

Friends... what are friends these days... I have lost the definition about it. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what people think these days. I just don't know anything anymore... This thing that is upsetting me so much may seem very very trivial.... but it meant a lot. I never like to beg.. infact I hate to beg anyone for anything. This particular hotelier whom I thought was a friend... actually find it entertaining to see me beg. How on earth did I end up in such a pathetic state and why am I so dumb to even treat him as a friend?! WHY!? He protected me from my boss... but why must he do that? Am I that entertaining or have I just become his clown?

*Feeling really very bad now*

New Year

2008-02-07T19:42:00.000+08:00

Have not updated my blog like ages. Simply no time to do anything for myself or for anyone. Many things have happened in the past year..... Sigh..

School - I cannot believe I did this.. but I did. I left school for one semester because I just had it. My boss has no compassion for my school and she demands a lot thus making me restless. Besides, school ain't doing so well. I have no time for assignments and my results are just marginal pass. Sometimes I just wonder if I really made the correct choice.

Work - Ups and downs. I don't know if sticking to this job is the right decision. I love the fact that travelling is part of my job scope, just that the boss.. Sigh... I also have the gut feeling that my boss is embezzling the company fund... yet... Sigh... Stuck in between. However, something good did turn up for me. I have been appointed to be the Sales Representative for a chain of hotels. Super delighted..

Another year passed and one year older.. I just have no clue what is instilled for me ahead..

AAaaaAaAhHHhhHHhh

2007-08-04T01:21:00.000+08:00

FUCK! I have been pickpocketed. Tomorrow I have to travel and now I am facing this shit.

So confused

2007-07-04T23:33:00.000+08:00

My god.. ages since I actually sat down and just do something for myself. Replying email, phone calls or even maintaining this blog is almost impossible.

What's new in my life. Well as a matter of fact.. I practically have no life. Work and school. That's all. I hardly even have time for myself.

Work - I do not know if it is a blessing in disguise or am I courting my own death. Seriously my lady boss is a not the best boss around. She is never concentrating. All she cares is to make money and trust me.. she will do certain measures just to get it. Sometimes I just find she is screwed up somewhere or somehow. Nevertheless, I do know she dotes on me. Gifts, taking and looking after me, teaching me how to excel in this line, sharing her contacts with me, treating me lunches. It is hard to find someone like that but .. something is just not right. Simply lost... should I still continue to follow her?

Been talking to a charming man on the phone recently.. Never met him up but my boss has warned me that he is not good looking at all. Just like the way he talks... sexy, confidence and he makes me feel that I am a woman. For Christ's sake, none of my guy friends treat me like a woman, except Joseph.. Must give credit to that fellow. Other than that... NO! I am having small crushes over this mysterious man. I am going insane. Gosh... I know what the fuck is wrong with me.. just that I can't help it.

Don't understand why my boss is pushing me with his brother. Seriously.. that guy is charming too + I do have a weak spot for charming man.. Just don't think we would ever be together.. Let's see how things go.

Tired tired tired.. need to get to bed...
ZzZZzzzZzzzzzzzzzzz

Happy Chinese New Year

2007-02-22T22:33:00.000+08:00

I cannot remember when was the last time I had time for myself. Been working continuously for like... a month? It feels like a year though... with the amount of work that I am handling and juggling.

Anyway.. I never felt happier in my life. This job gives me opportunites. Doors opening like never before. I can recall the times whereby I hunt for jobs and no one wants me. Now... people wants me over. I finally felt satisfied... As most people know... I am a pessimist... I always feel.. well.. unwanted... all those negative thoughts... especially after dropping out of school. However.. I never felt better...

A lot of thoughts to pen down in the blog... but my mind is simply too tired to survive it for tonight. Another time.. perhaps when I am more free. *crossing my fingers*

Break break break

2006-12-06T21:22:00.000+08:00

Been long since I sat down to blog.

Many things have happened over the past month. Seriously... I don't know what the hell is going on. Firstly, I have tendered my resignation. My company... is really nice.. because of all the wonderful colleagues inside. My immediate boss isn't that fantastic, but she has been coaching me over the past year. We joked and laughed through times.. In short, I had good times in this company.. Kinda sad that I am leaving.

Talking about leaving, my new company isn't keeping what they have promised. My new boss told me that I am suppose to negotiate hotel rates but from a freaking idiotic fellow he indicated that I am only there to key in hotel rates. WHAT THE FUCK! It is so completely different. He also emphasized that only my boss and him are the one dealing with hotel rates. AhhHHhhh!!! Cannot stand him.

Been on PMS mood due to the above 2 reasons and school. School fees is rocking high and I do not know if I can manage. I mean I have to pay household income, CPF and school fees. Everything is money money money!!! It is only a matter of time that I will just crumble down and end up in Woodbridge.

Read a book recently "10 Stupid things men do to mess up their lives". Is it true that men love to fix women? Does that mean men won't fall for me due to my nature? Do I have to be weak and demure to have a boyfriend? Am I that unattractive?

I NEED A VACATION FOR A BREAK!

Move on

2006-11-29T00:10:00.000+08:00

I tendered my resignation last week. Suddenly just realised my immediate boss sucks!

Sortta glad that I am leaving, but sad as in the working environment is really good.

Finally

2006-10-18T00:40:00.001+08:00

My office has banned blogger's site.. sigh...

Anyway.. have not been updating this webby cos I HAVE BEEN WORKING NON-STOP til last weekends. 3 weeks of working continuously without a day off is exhausting... My body almost crumbled... Well I need M and office work can't satisfy my thirst for M.

I NEED A NEW JOB!!!

State of Shock

2006-09-18T23:20:00.000+08:00

This ain't a good year for most of us (based on my assumption). Violence seem to be everywhere and everything ain't going right. One of my friend just turned gay....

Still shocked

Yawnz

2006-09-15T13:54:00.000+08:00

Yawnz... such a good weather and stuck in office. It is freaking cold and ... well let's just say it is a good day to hibernate.

After 9 months.. I am still clueless. I almost ... wanted to stick to this line til quite some time... but it seems like this job is getting on my nerves. Everything has to be recorded and plan in advance. I mean.. come on... I hate to record and plan. Yes.. I might be skiving at times... but .. nah.. not going to argue on this point. But seriously... I don't know what I want.... I tried applying for jobs that I want... but never once did I get it.. Sigh... must be my bad karma or simply I am lousy!

Yesterday..... well... talk to a friend.. and... well... just cried. The topic is none other than my singlehood. Why am I single.. Besides the point of SFUWA (Short Fat Ugly with Attitude), there is always this problem or issue in me that I never spelt out. None other than.... the stupid 'A' fellow. I cannot seem to move on since dunno how many years ago. I compare every guy with him. It doesn't seem fair but I cannot help it. After the conversation... I went digging out all the stuff... found a log (our conversation).. I just burst out crying while reading it. It just brings back everything...

I don't know what I am doing... what I want... and... what I have...

Restless

2006-09-07T12:15:00.000+08:00

I have been in this company for around 8 months and I only finished orientation yesterday. Seriously... working in here .. well how should I say.. good prospect? However I do see any future here. I do not see where I am going.. I do not see any prospect. I don't even know why I am here.

Yesterday bro's friend came over. He talks about here and blah blah.. but I am still lost as ever. Seriously... I don't smell anything close to good future..

Does working means doing something you don't like or what does it mean?

Addicted

2006-09-04T11:05:00.000+08:00

I have a new addiction! Nah... not drugs... but photography! I am glued to deviantart.com!!!! Been visiting this site almost everyday and to sum it all... IT IS MARVELLOUS!!!! Some of the photographs taken are beyond words! At least now I have something to keep me occupied! I guess it will cause less abrasion since I am glued to webby and cannot be bothered talking to anyone. Hmmm... must start saving for a digital SLR camera

Well.... had an job interview a few days back... *praying hard* Really want a change of job!!!

I NEED A CHANGE

2006-08-30T22:57:00.000+08:00

GOsh... bad news always come one after another. Had our monthly meetings and got the biggest shock of my life. The boss set a mission impossible for my project. Seriously... I thought the inital target was impossble but if campaigns run well... we might still be able to attain that goal. But today... the final figures was out... he wanted 4 times of what we have. Totally impossible. I guess there goes my bonus for this year! Wondering how long will I stay there

Struggling

2006-08-28T19:52:00.000+08:00

Toss and turn the whole night. Everything just all came crumbling into my night time. Practically woke up every 30 mins or less due to nightmares. What did I dream... all the 25 years of negatives stuffs I went through. In short.. it is shit!

It is shit

2006-08-27T22:04:00.000+08:00

Feeling really fucked up right now. Know what... I have a fucked up dad.. Never knew I would say it, but it is truth. Yes.. he might not be the kinda dad that do.. well illegal stuff.. but he ain't the world best dad. Know what.. I been tolerating for MANY MANY YEARS. I better start saving up my M and move out. I need to move out!!!

He is never understanding... and well resort to violence.. What is new.. I have no idea. I thought I never said this.. but I am ashamed that I have a father like that. When things don't go smooth, violence starts rolling. And he fucking thinks that he is right when well hell IS WRONG!!!! Never wants to work or find a job because the world is stressful? COME ON!!! Everyone is stressful and since when can a job be entertaining or relaxing! The world has fucking changed!

God... I never thought I would say this.. but I just wish he is gone.. Gone for good and I will never shed a tear! Wondering how long I can put up with this before I let other people to run this.

Sigh...

2006-08-11T11:21:00.000+08:00

Finally met up with an old friend after like a year... Haha. Well not my fault... is hers!!! She is Miss Super Busy... am I right Miss Nelly? LoL. Anyway... it was a nice evening with lots of gossips and the days of ... Europe.... For me... is about missing everything in general.. for her... let's just say it's Ethane Hawk.. Muahahahahha. Must admit... that guy is really cute... Don't mind ONS. Ahahahahah. Just joking...

Back to reality.. I am currently still the most underpaid among my friends... How long can I last.. No clue...

I NEED A TIME OUT AND I WANNA GO BACK TO EUROPE!!!!!!

Everything is a mess now

2006-08-01T14:25:00.000+08:00

Seriously... I really don't know what is going on and what the hells is wrong with.... everything... I am starting to lose my direction in doing almost anything, or should I say I am totally clueless about everything....

Where should I start with... yah.. let me begin my miserable life with my job. I have been working in a huge organisation for ... if not mistaken... should be 8 months. Well.. in the beginning... I thought I would not mind.. but now.. I do... The pay is really pathetic.. I think among those who graduate around the same time as me... gets.. well.. more than me. I am seriously lacking way behind.. I get paid more when I was working with uncle. It has become an issue for me especially I kinda feel restless and I don't feel the motivation... I do not know how long I am able to sustain... Besides the Vitamin M issue... this job has become... kinda.. dead and I see lots of unreasonable Singaporeans or bitches. Probably I am not a really deskbound person. Yes.. some of you gonna nag.. saying it is definitely better than my previous job.. but.. I really dunno... I have not been so lost as now...

Life has not been smooth sailing these days. Well no clue what happened between them.. but things don't seem good. And I sortta blurted out something nasty too. If he is eating on the table.. I am not eating.. Mean right.. Sortta should hold back my temper... I can be a fucking bitch at times.

Despite all the unhappiness or crappy feelings... something good did happen a few days ago.. Mum dragged me out the other day... and sortta told me she wanna sponser my entire university school fees. I almost... burst out crying. It was really really nice of her especially it was her hard-earned money.

I really need a break....

Very Pissed Off

2006-07-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

Seriously.. I am beginning to hate some fucking Singaporeans. I mean screw it… you are in the wrong so why the fuck are you scolding people. Come on lor… you don’t find it humiliating? Or simply just too thick-skinned. Gosh… I cannot stand some bitches. Let me re-define… BITCHES! I don’t see much guys doing that… but woman. I am a woman too… but I don’t go around creating fictitious accounts (in the first place.. I won’t even create) and blaming the in charge that they are wrong.. CB!!! I have my limits too lor… nabei…. I almost reached my peak and screamed at a motherfucker… KNN!!!!!

Super freaking lousy MSN messenger

2006-07-02T01:18:00.000+08:00

What the fuck man. The msn is down for me for the freaking fucking one full day. It is so lame that the pop-up states... it is only temporary. FUCK OFF man.

Screw them

2006-06-20T16:15:00.000+08:00

AhhHHHhhhHhh.Very Angry now.

Recalled what my boss ask me during lunch. My boss ask me a question today, are you proud to be a Singaporean? My answer is Yes/No. Sounds dumb... I know it does... it is as if I never answered her question. Let me just explain my rational behind this answer.

Being proud

I am proud to be a Singaporean when I am representing myself as an individual. An example will be as an oversea exchange program student. For those who are not aware, I went Germany for half a year for an exchange program. I am glad that I was a Singaporean. A huge part is due to the stability and economy of Singapore. We might not have the best but I can safely say that I can walk around the street in the middle of the night without any worries.

Another fact is that I am proud of being an Asian and living in Singapore. I am proud to say that despite the distance of all my relatives, we still remain in close contact. Maybe I do not see that in my classmates back then... but I am glad I did keep that bond in our family.

Not being proud

Will you ask discount from street artists? I will not... and I feel disgusted when most Singaporeans do that. And the fact... they can be so proud of it... This was what happened in New Zealand... This Singaporean was asking from a street artist after he finished painting her protrait. She was not very satisfied and insisted on a discount... HELLO!!!!!!

Next... would be the Kiasu, Kiasee nature.. I know I do have some flaws as well. But I do not go around driving a Mercs and getting free textbooks.

Lastly... would be the nature of my work.. I am handling a project whereby I can see how unreasonable and greedy Singaporeans can be. Unreasonable as in it is their fault and can write in to complain about how bad we are.. Greedy... you should see the amount of fictitious accounts created just to redeem for items and yet wanna point fingers. Gosh...

Why am I writing such crap?... well... just wanna pen down my frustration after suspending like.. 70 accounts.. due to greedy, unreasonable motherfucking people.

I am a dumb ass

2006-06-20T01:01:00.000+08:00

It is shit when friends like to dig out something which have been left buried in the heart. It is past, it is something meant to be forgotten.... so why bring it out? Just suddenly felt all the emotions gushing out and my mind cannot seem to stop thinking of it. Have I really forgotten about it? The answer... I never did and I guess I never will... til I can officially throw that bloody ring away. How many years ago was that? I cannot seem to recall... I really really need some peace.

Back from Beijing

2006-06-06T11:29:00.000+08:00

Boy... I am damn tired...

But it was an experience to buy. Lovely place to visit too.

Will update the details of my trip if I have the time...

A sweet conversation

2006-04-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

Although I knew he didn't meant what he said, it was nice to hear.
W is one of my friend, quite gorgeous and manly.

W: dream is dream just don dream too much n do nothing
Me: ahahahah true, haiz... if all guys are like u, that would be good but good guys... are normally taken, married or gay. ahahahahah
W: lol. u sound like eyeing for one now
Me: ahahaha. i am eyeing on u.. but u are married. ahahaha. just joking. i am like u lah.. aiming for a career
W: lol. U are great person
Me: no lor. if i am... i won't be single liao. ahahaha
W: no lah is just that not ur time yet.
Me: no lor. it is a fact. i think i know it myself by now
W: tell u something, i admire u. if not for my status. i 'll go after u
Me: u are the first ba... ahahaha. u must be joking
W: i'm serious. be ur self. where is the confident that u use to possess. u use to hav ur own standing
Me: ahahahaha. u know i just burst out laughing loud in the office. ahahahah. that's nice. i had a stressful day
W: lol
Me: ahahahaah did i log this... i must keep it for a further reference... ahahahahah
W: ur time will come. don worry. just be urself
Me: ahaahahah. if dun hv how. ahahaha
W: unless u very choosy, i'm ur friend. i'll sell my lambo to secure ur leaving. sorry. living
Me: ahahaha
W: hehe. typo
Me: that's nice. ahahahah
W: only wen u r old, cant work n got nobdy to take care of u. touch wood
Me: ahahaha. i already entering that realm
W: no u r not, not yet. unless u want to

It is like a moment of happiness. I mean.. it made my day. :P

2006-03-22T10:05:00.000+08:00

I just read an article on authors suing each other, "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail" vs "The Da Vinci Code". Seriously, I am curious. Can't authors have the same views on certain issues? Okay, let me change the scenario slightly. If "The Da Vinci Code" did not make it to the market, would the authors of "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail" still sue Dan Brown? Sometimes I just feel that jealously and trying to take some advantage out of situation play a big part in everything. I do not even see other authors (I am referring to the authors who wrote books on certain grounds bear some similarities of "The Da Vinci Code" and appeared on the documentary on "Da Vinci Code") suing Dan Brown. Human jealously, I believe the authors are simply jealous on the success of Dan Brown. Come on... GET ALIVE!

Riots has been going in France. I didn't know they have laws that safeguard youngsters from being fired. To me, the new laws.. seems pretty reasonable. Ok.. I am just stating my point of view. I mean if you are incompetent, it is only fair that the company asks you to leave. It seems unfair for companies to hold back employees that are incapable just because the law states so. Well on the other hand, employers will make use of this opportunity to fire as and when they feel like it.

Been working in this company for quite some time. Seriously.. I do not feel any job security. This actually happen when the director told me they couldn't confirm my status. How positive can I feel after such a speech? I am beginning to lose my confidence and feel that I am just a piece of junk. Have look into other job vacanies around, found one.. but missed the dateline. Dammit! Incase no one knows, I have the passion for music and events planning. So far... I simply have no luck in any of this position. Well... probably due to the fact that my english sucks... Haiz....

This suddenly just got to my mind.. so I am just penning it down. When we broke up.. I begin to question myself in everything. For everyone's information, I am suffering from ugly duckling syndrome. I am a person who do not believe anyone will fall for me.. cos I am the ugly duckling. It seems absurd but given any opportunity to work in France... I do want to go. HOWEVER... I do not wish to see him again. To me.. seeing someone whom I used to ... I might go back to the same state as before. I know I am dumb...but that's me. My ego will not allow me to return.. but a huge part of emotions will just drop back. It is just like... a few weeks back... out of nowhere... I dreamt of A (NOT ASH) and the funny part... we were back together. It is like.. this could never happen because of many factors (same applies to ash). Just that it really cause my emotions to stir up and I was practically stoning most of the time after the dream. I do not know what will happen if I see any of them again.

No vibe

2006-03-14T09:29:00.000+08:00

I practically have no energy to do anything. Just feel insecure about everything now. Been in this mood ever since many things happen. Bad stuff never seems to come only once, it is an on-going thing. From work to personal, from life to death.

Unable to smile anymore

Goodness!!

2006-02-28T13:09:00.000+08:00

My goodness... people are desperate to know. Just one entry about Tammy aka the NYP alleged student who had a sex video on the internet, my blog visits just went sky rocket. Goodness... eveyrone's craving for this piece of news or maybe I should rephrase, everyone's craving for the video. Let me clarify, I do not have the video so don't start emailing me about it.

Back to this topic, I heard from a friend that the video was emailed to many (apparently the nyp servers has the video, but I guess it must have been removed by now). My goodness, Susan Chua aka sex scandal 1 was sortta the biggest news then, now this... I did manage to read the emails about Susan Chua, but ain't this Tammy. But anyway, it ain't my concern. What puzzles me is what the hell is this guy doing? What makes someone hate her so much that they have to distribute this video. It still makes me wonder. Another concern was... why is everyone blaming on Tammy, what happen to that guy? It takes 2 hands to clap you know..

Anyway, I have been reading news regarding EU. I am starting to question myself. Why am I doing all these? He has left me, so I shouldn't be concerned about what is going around his place. Somehow.. I am glued. If given a chance, I would want to head over there. It has been on my mind for some time... I sortta like given up... and not given up. Contradicting... but I have no idea. Deep down.. if he... were... to return.... I might just go back...only if he comes to Singapore. If Nelly were to see this... I think I might just get a tight slap. ahahaha, still I have no clue. As one of entry says... I miss the feeling of being loved.

My oh My

2006-02-27T12:44:00.000+08:00

My oh my... My previous school has top the charts again. As if one sex scandal ain't enough (for those who study in NYP, you should know the first scandal, the alleged student-teacher scandal) Now.. another has surfaced. This time, it is far worse than the first. It was being filmed and published. Goodness! I am not against the filming procedure... but I am wondering about the whole mindset to it. I mean.. this is sortta private... so why keep it in the phone? Store it somewhere else. Doesn't all those video on the web given you an idea that everything ain't private. Let me quote a good example... Paris Hilton Sex Video.

Apparently... the news do really know how to put the headlines. NYP Student.. Can't they leave the school out. I mean as if NYP forces the student to take such video. I am wondering why the hell do journalist do that for. Why can't you just write.. Tammy instead of NYP student. Hmmm... it makes me wonder... doesn't the other 4 polys have anything? Probably because I was in the school previously.. those sortta sex scandals are commonly heard.. but I never hear from my friends (other polys) having all these. Wondering what effects it have on NYP now..

Talking about filming or taking shoots about private lives. Is it that thrilling? It never comes to my mind at all, so why do people do that? I mean if you like doing all these, the possiblity of it being published on the net is.. common. Well.. technology is advancing, so are hackers. They could just hack into the computers and just draw out anything. I mean ANYTHING. I believe in their capabilities. Trust me... if you want to film, just know that it will be published out one day.

THIS IS SHIT

2006-02-22T13:19:00.000+08:00

This is really shit. I have been using ReNu solution for more than.. 8 years? Holy crap!! This news is really shit. I mean will I get this fungus infection due to this damn solution. I still have 2 big bottles and 2 small bottles (JUST BOUGHT LIKE 2 WEEKS AGO!!!!) AHHHhhhhHHHHhh!!!! Now then I realise why the optician in Germany told me that my eyes has some problems. He told me that it is quite common with contact lenses users. Gggrsss... I should have heeded his advice and switch to spectacles or his type of contact lenses (specially made). Anyway now it is a bit too late to speak. I can't head to Germany just to get contact lenses, it is ridiculous. Seriously, I wonder about the standard of Singapore opticians. When I have my contact lenses made in Germany, the opticians there were very professional. The eye check-up is about an hour or so. He will slowly examine everything. I mean everything, how the contact lenses fit and what is your condition of your eyes. In Singapore, they cannot seem to be bothered. I recalled the German optician told me I require prism in my spectacles and that my prescription is not that high. In Singapore, they told me that I require a higher prescription because I can see better. I am comfortable with that current prescription but they insist on changing it. Now.. i really regret! I mean that German optician (sorry I cannot remember his name) told me I drop 200 for both eyes. Now when I came back, they increase another 150. WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT. Maybe I will head over to eye centre to have everything done.

THIS IS REALLY SHIT!

Hmmm

2006-02-16T14:51:00.000+08:00

I suddenly miss someone... Been long since I last gossip, talk and seen.
Hee

Messy, messy, messy

2006-02-16T13:00:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe what I have read. Just to inform you guys, I am still glued to the articles that consists of the Muslim Cartoon Row. Read this article is.. well I would say absurd. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4714548.stm

Read the following links
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4676632.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/newswatch/ukfs/hi/newsid_4670000/newsid_4678100/4678186.stm

Well, apparently I have been following BBC News as they are more neutral in certain points of view. It came to my attention that this term... freedom of speech is what i would phrase as wolf in a sheep's clothing. It is disaster in a calm environment. I do love being able to speak freely, being able to comment on everything in this world. But the back of mind, I was wondering the consequences to what we so called freedom of speech. Let me just quote an example. AN EXAMPLE I MUST REPHARSE (see.. I am not allow to write freely due to certain laws. I don't wanna get my ass sued) I cannot go around saying I hate all french just because some are jerks. It will certainly get my ass fried or probably killed. Freedom of speech is indeed good, but do take into consideration of people's feeling. As a saying goes what goes around comes around.

Ok... I better get back to work... heee... I have been bloggin during work. BLEAH

Dateless!!!

2006-02-14T09:05:00.000+08:00

AhhHhhhhhhHHHHHHHhhh!!! Valentine's day and I am dateless. Sad! I dread and hate valentine's day

It is a mess!

2006-02-09T12:50:00.000+08:00

I have been reading news articles on the recent uproar of the cartoon published in newspapers. Practically I am glued to what has been going on.

Indeed, it is offensive to read about or see articles & cartoons condemning, humiliating or even mocking at any religion. (By the way, I am a free thinker) It simply shows that one has no respect over anything. I feel that having a religion is something well... sacred? It all boils down to how extremist you are? Ok... maybe this word does sound offensive as well. It all goes down to how deep you believe in. Well my point is no matter what it is.. it is no laughing matter to laugh or mock at one's religion. Come on, even me... a free thinker will spare some thoughts about saying one's religion. Freedom of speech, what is the big deal about that? It also mean that you are a no brainer when you do such stuff. Everyone has their own views on everything, but mocking, laughing or opening condeming is something stupid. It is as good as someone saying about your family or something you care about in a great deal.

I must also raise the point that violence around is simply unnecessary. I can fully understand the boycott, the burning of flags, the protest but not the violence. I mean after all those expatriates are well.. innocent. You can boycott all you want but hurting another soul is as good as them writing about the religion. It is equally hurtful or more. Those are just emotional wounds, but people hurt? That is a life you are talking about. Doesn't all religion believe in not hurting any human lives? So where has all the faith gone to?

Talking about religion. Ok don't mind me here. This is just my.. let me emphasize it.. MY point of view. I mean you can all the faith you want in the religion but doesn't some logic needs to come out of it? Let me quote an example. (ok, if you ain't comfortable about reading such stuff, just close your window. I ain't targeting on any religion). I know of a family that totally believe in that religion that they commit to it totally. I find it totally ridiculous. A great classic from them is god condemns people who have short hair. For crying out loud, I have short hair and so are tons of women out there. So are we condemn? Til now, I see no logic to this. That is why I still remains as a free thinker.

Ok.... probably I have strike some uproar on opinions. Please chill it. I ain't targeting on anything. I just expressing my own opinions and thoughts.

No idea..

2006-01-29T20:41:00.000+08:00

Woke up today crying.. yup... ain't a good thing to start during the new year. Guess what I dreamt. Ash.. I thought I have buried this issue some time back... but it seems not. Time seem to transported to the day whereby we are no longer friends. I didn't expect to remember all the details, but I did. It is haunting.. It seems like I am going back to the state whereby I cannot accept anyone again..

I wonder how he is doing now. I have not contacted since ... more than 3 years ago. He was someone I could turn to... when.. and he knows... Til now.. I have yet to find anyone who I confide to.

I hope he is doing fine and well, hoping.. he do remember who I am.

Do I have...

2006-01-19T13:10:00.000+08:00

I am always thinking. Weirdest, bizarre and unlogical ideas or thoughts will just come popping right into my mind. This time round.. well... school. Do I have the drive to keep on studying. The thing is.. I have not started school but I have paid some part of the school fees. This is the thing... I need to have at least 40k in order to finish this fucking degree. And judging from what I earn.. it means forgoing a lot of stuffs. Things such as shopping, enjoying certain luxury at times, and most important... TRAVELLING. I mean I love to travel and I do travel at least once a year... Now... I can't. Just can't. I am wondering if I can do without it. It is the only time I am relax and it has sortta become my life. Put it in another way, 40k. It is quite a huge sum of money. Car, downpayment of a small unit.. well lots of things can be done with 40k. I am wondering... can I?

I have gotten over. But part of me feels.. stupid. Stupidity seems to rule over my life ever since I went Germany. I hate to admit it but it has been a fact. I mean how dumb can I ever get. It is like impossible so why try. I lost something precious in the process which makes me feel even worse.

:~~~~~(

Memories

2006-01-16T20:03:00.000+08:00

Was listening to Class 95 this morning and Vern mentioned about pruning of trees. Suddenly I was transported back to Germany. Yes... I am talking about the men pruning trees in winter in early morning. The situation was embarrassing... but it indeed was funny. I can never 'experience' this anywhere... probably I will if I ever find trees infront of the toilet, a HUGE OPEN window, and myself stripping naked without looking around.

I miss Germany, more of the times back then.... Seriously.. I wonder how they are doing and wonder if they do really miss me.

Spoke to Valene this morning. Yup... she is right. It is just a fling, except mine was slightly longer. I think I won't regret it even though.. Well.. things happen.. and what do I expect from a french guy anyway... It is true... he come to Singapore? <<-- Don't think so. He don't even want his ex when she move to England, what will make it even come here... What was I thinking back then... Frankly speaking... it was a nice fling... and I must say.. french guys are well.. kinda irresistable at times. Classic example of me and Valene. Both hooked up with french. Ha!

Contradicting

2006-01-10T12:37:00.000+08:00

Well.. I just read up my previous blogs. Realised that I always complained about living in oversea. Now.. I have the mindset about staying overseas. Hey don't get me wrong. I am not asking for trouble knowing it would be hard. Just that.. sometimes I feel distance makes a heart fonder. I like the life here... just that I don't love it. I know I am asking a lot.. but when people are apart, they will appreciate everything. Now I am working in a huge company... the chances of going over to parts of the world would be slightly easier. Anyway... I still need to pursue my degree, til I finish it.. I would be heading to somewhere else.

I have gotten over it. It is like only 2 days. Probably some part of me just disappeared or I am keeping it deep down. It hurts at times, but I am over it. No point. At least I know I do not need to fork out air tickets to visit. Still... I will be saving up to go for a vacation. No idea yet, but should be backpacking to certain areas.

Sometimes I envy those who post their blogs stating their happy life. I mean it is nice. It keeps people positive. Yes I know I am always complaining, cursing, swearing and whining. Still... I am working hard to stay positive.

Finally

2006-01-09T19:20:00.000+08:00

I can finally do whatever I want and say whatever I feel. It has been long. By the way just incase you are wondering why did I say the first sentence.. well... last time my EX will snoop in to read. Now... I do not give a fuck about it. Afterall... he is my EX!!!

I used to think that he might be different. Well guess I was wrong. He gave the most absurd excuse for a break up, which is he is moving to Russia and he feels that we cannot continue. Let me just explain. Both of us are having a long distance relationship. He is in France and I am in Singapore. Now... he is just proceeding to Russia. Does that make a difference in distance? To me... nope. Not much difference, I will still have to fly over and it will take more than 13 fucking hours or so. Anyway.. now it won't make any more fucking difference since it has ended.

Pissed... yes I am pissed... I am angry for being stupid in the first place. I mean why didn't I use my brain. Shouldn't even invested in so much emotions into me. And yes I am fucking upset too. Afterall we have been together like... 4 months to a year. Still... it will take some time to heal.

Those previous entry that I made... about me being upset and etc... most of the time I was alone. I mean what took me so long to realise that having a boyfriend is not like having a boyfriend. I cannot feel his love, cannot feel his presence and cannot have him by his side when I needed company most.

I can finally move on.. maybe when time comes... I will just follow them to Australia.

I miss the feeling of being missed

2006-01-06T00:10:00.000+08:00

I miss the feeling of being missed. Sound weird? Nope it ain't. I am just wondering if anyone misses me. At least I know when I am missed... I know people care and I know I am being loved. But am I being missed?

Is it me?

2005-12-28T23:40:00.000+08:00

Is it me or the world is just left with... me? I have friends yet I don't seem to have. I miss the days when I was still schooling. Everyone seems to be just.. problem-free.. Now... exact opposite... No idea why.

My life now? Lonesome.. or is it solitude? Lonesome - the feeling that no one is around except me... everyone seems to have forgotten or have deserted me. I seem to be in a void. Nothing... just me... I don't even know what I own or what I have. Solitude - sometimes... only at certain points of time I like being alone.

Sad

2005-12-21T20:11:00.000+08:00

Things not going well. Not my work, just personal...

Speechless

2005-12-11T17:29:00.000+08:00

Well... first to inform. I found a job!! Technically not the type of job all of you guys will imagine I will get into. Basically... I like doing PR stuff but this... it is very adminstrative and kinda routine. Still it is a huge company and the prospects in there are huge.. who knows where I might land up to.

It can be quite tiring especially when it comes miscommunication. It makes me restless and one thing for sure... I HATE TO APOLOGIZE. I have been doing a lot lately and it makes me think back. Why am I doing so.. I realise that I do not understand people as I thought I would. Ahhhh!!! I am lost...

Lonely...

2005-10-04T23:15:00.000+08:00

Loneliness just suddenly grips me. It seems like I am always standing out there fighting alone. Sometimes I really wonder if there are such things as collegues being friends. It can be really frustrating and sickening when everyone seems to be so fake. I am really tired of it.

I do not know if I should post this. It has been tough. Really tough.. sometimes I wish we are not that far apart.. and sometimes I wish I can just hear his voice or even see him. I envy some of my friends especially they can just run to their partner for some comfort. Me? It is different. Both of us are so busy with our own life.. the more we do not contact each other... the more insecure I get at times.

Tell me what to do

Fucking Shit

2005-09-27T00:35:00.000+08:00

FUCK MAN! I just lost the entire post I typed just because of a fucking offline or timeout. CB!!!! NABEI!!!! Now I have to retype the entire fucking post and I cannot remember the entire fucking content.

I am fucking tired. Tired of what is going around me. I just cannot stand him. He is alway on PMS and I thought woman are bad. He is worse. It seems like he can never agree to anything around me and my brother. It is a blessing that we did not inherit all his genes or we will be failure in our lives. What is wrong with working late? I mean when we cannot finish our work, we stay back and do.. even though it means not getting overtime allowance. We just want to be responsible in whatever we do and not let other colleagues to clear our shit or unfinished work. Sometimes I wonder if his retard brain is actually working. What is wrong with working in a travel industry? I know the pay sucks big time but it is still a decent job. It is not as if I am going out selling drugs or hooking people. I am doing and working a decent job as a tour consultant or tour guide. Sometimes I wish he can stay out of all our lives and everything can be happily ever after.

Sometimes I feel that the only people that can understand me... are my aunt and my brother... They are the only ones who are supportive in whatever I do especially my job. Talking about my job.. I sortta like it and at times hate it. I agree I am not a very nice person. I ain't any apple polisher nor sucking up to people's balls or anyone's puppet. I am who I am.. I get along well with some colleagues but... not everyone. I just feel out of place at work and to make matter worse.. the pay sucks big time. I wish I could just quit and move on... but I always love to travel and so far... it is the only job that can allow me to roam freely around the world. I am simply lost.. and I wonder how long can I take it.

I am tired... really tired...

I need to find a job outside of Singapore..

I need a break.

FUCKING STRESS

2005-09-07T16:34:00.000+08:00

I am fucking stress. I wonder how much can i take it.

Frustrée

2005-08-11T21:18:00.000+08:00

As usual, never blog about my life ever since... well... look at the date below. Been really cropped up with many things happening in my life. First of all... I must announce to everyone... I HAVE GRADUATED. The convocation actually took place in well.. 29 July... The ceremony is kinda.. disappointing, but everyone is happy. This is the first time I seen my dad smiling his way through. I know he is happy that I have finally graduated and I am glad I finally make my way through. Still, I must push myself harder for admission to university.

I must say this. I have ENOUGH. Enough of those that just do not appreciate. For your information, I am not your beck and call gal. I have my own things in life and not at your mercy. You know who you are. I do not follow your orders and demands. Please be more courteous when you talk or sms. Yes I know I am rude too, but I do apologize my mistakes and for certainly at certain times I am not that rude. It is no surprise for me now that you are indeed a best actress and that some of your friends have left you. I am offended by the way you treat me and my life does not just surround you!

Busy and troubled would be the words describing my life.

Since I started working... my life is just work. This work does not pay well and I can say... sucks at times. Boss ain't that nice.. but overall.. I keep pushing myself to think of travelling. My collegues are one of the worst around... well... that's life... Selfish people around.

Family... I discovered a truth that I do not wish to know. A side of my dad. I mean.. grrrsss... I just can't type it out due to the fact of being.. ashamed.

AAaaAaaaaAHhhHHhHHHH. I NEED A VACATION

Exhausted

2005-07-17T13:15:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog. My life has been the same routine ever since I started working. Monday - Friday 9am - 7pm is work and work, after which head home to rest (either maple, tv or plain idling and waiting for my boyfriend to come online); Saturday - work half day then either head out meet my friends or come home to rest; Sunday - resting or going out with my family. It has become so dull that I feel like I am about to crumble down. The worse fact is that I feel exhausted all the time. It seems like I am not getting enough rest and I crave to sleep for one full day.

Had a good time yesterday. Meeting up with my old friends and uncle. Catch up with old times. Nelly and me shared our europe pictures with everyone. AaarrggHhhhz! I wanna go to Austria, Italy and United Kingdom!!!!!!! They are simply so gorgeous! *Nelly... if you are reading... STOP LAUGHING AND LOOKING AT THE LOOKALIKE ETHAN HAWKE!!! Muahahaah... She was laughing like a little girl when she showed the pictures. Almost... I would say ALMOST HALF of the album has him.

It seems like some of my friends around me are either down on luck or simply too problematic. I mean it is like friends are friends. Sharing of problems does not mean telling everything. Everyone has their own secrets and it is these secrets that make us mysterious and who we are. I do not believe in telling one person everything and neither do I believe in anyone who will do that. Even husband and wife keeps things from one another. So why do people get so worked up? I cannot deny that there will be a slight anger but to forgo a friendship because of all these. IT IS PLAIN STUPIDITY.

I miss him. Had dreams about him. Not wet dreams but dreams of us travelling. It is fun being around him because we laugh at each other of our own mistakes or simply we have our own fun moments. Now.. we are so far apart. Sometimes I wish that the world can be smaller and things could be more easier. At least we can still meet up and go out. I can't wait for a year later...

*vexed and exhausted*

Having 2nd thoughts

2005-07-02T23:43:00.000+08:00

An unexpected phone call can lead to many emotions stirring. My uncle called. Said he wanted to meet me up to catch up with old times. Oh apparently I realised that my mass email did not reach to everyone, he told me that he didn't get any news from me. Anyway, that is not the important issue. My boyfriend was the issue. Actually my boyfriend's issue has been a hot topic for discussion. So far, none of my friends encourage me into committing into this relationship. All of them mentioned that it will never work. However today.. the one talking to me.. ain't anyone... he is my uncle. Although we are not blood related... but he has always been caring for me since many years back. He pops out questions that I could never answer and the issues that has in relation to my insecurity. I am swayed by his words and now... having second thoughts

Questions discussed
(1) How can he commit into a relationship with me after breaking up with his girlfriend?
(2) Do you know what your boyfriend is doing now?
(3) Does he really love you or merely a substitute?
(4) If he don't believe in marriage, why commit to a relationship and said it is serious
(5) What is his real character?
(6) Are you sure you love him?
(7) How are you guys going to commit when both of you guys are so far?
And etc

All these questions are confusing my emotions. I mean... as what my uncle said. Words.. those are merely words when he said to me. How true is that? Do you really know him that deep?

I am confused...

Vexed

2005-07-01T02:10:00.000+08:00

I never felt so vexed in my life. Many things happened. Sometimes I just wished that everything can just be simple and straight forward. Or I rather I want to recover the days of being an innocent child or a baby where there ain't any worries, complications and problems arising. I know I always told people that such occurences are parts and parcels of life, but there is a limit about how much I can take.

Let me start off with something happy. Well, I have applied for Monash University. To many... it is just another procedure or just an application. To me.. it is something huge. I always wanted to go into University and now .. I am just one step away from it. I do really really want to get into this University as obtaining degree is something I want since.... Anyway, I am keep my fingers and toes crossed. It will be a motive in my life for the next couple of years to come.

Been spending a couple of days with my aunt. She was really happy that I applied for a university and she has been advising me on how to get through with life and etc. I love spending my time with her as the day always end up well. She is like another mum of mine or my best friend. Always there to listen me out and to help me. Maybe she would be coming for my convocation. No plans yet as ... arrgggs... that is another thing I am going to complain later.

I am finally meeting up with some of my old time friends after a year. It seems to be like a routine. Meeting up with each other every year. Well... I do really miss them especially they are the ones whom I spent most of my time with during poly years. It was really fun being with them and I can recall those fun times. Skipping school and asking Gaius to sign.... Neopet with JX and my best buddy.. xiaodi.. who never fails to gang up with me, listen and complain about everyone. Ahahah.. those times... were beyond words. I can't wait to see them.

Received a postcard from Germany. Happy happy happy. It is from one of my friend, Anna. Hee

-end of happy stuff and complain time-

AAaarrGGGggHhhhSsss. Guess what.. my handphone.. just went berserk. Firstly.. mp3 player.. then Fujitsu laptop and now.. handphone. Gosh I am just down on luck. It can't ring and I just have to rely on my senses to predict any incoming calls. Gosh.. I really need a handphone... WHO CAN SPONSER ME!!!

Sometimes.. I always feel.. being extra... or am I really your friend. I just felt that.. at times.. my friends.. well.. they are like.. how do i put it.. I am just plain invisible or when I am of no use... they won't find me. I mean.. when I was in Germany.. I can feel that.. the friendship.. the missing and now.. when I am back.. I mean I am not expecting that well I am god or you must be with me all the time. I just felt unappreciated. Take an example of a good friend. Sortta like I miss her gossips and just plain chatting with her. But when I am back.. I am being chucked aside. Seriously... I don't feel good. I mean I did try to make an effort to like meet up with you.. but you are always busy or probably I am just nothing. My surrounding friends... worse... they are like practically on war with each other now. It is either PMS or jealousy or just plain shit of acting. I do really feel like slapping all of them and asking them to wake up their senses. I just feel that since you guys do not like each other or find that it is so difficult to be together, then don't. What is the point of meeting up and keeping quiet? What is the use of pretending to be close when you are not? For face or for show? It is plain stupidity. I do feel like asking them to sit down and talk it all out.. but I didn't. Know why? They will just shoot back at me for being nosy or you won't understand and those sortta lame excuses.

Hinted someone about what is actually wrong with me. Don't really know if he knows it. But that is so much I am willing to share. I just can't voice my problems out without being drunk. Nope... I am able to say it out.. just that the pride of mine is unwilling to do so. So far.. the only person whom I can actually blurt everything without any hesitation.. ash.. It has been many years and til now.. if I say I don't miss him.. it is a lie. I still do... I wish that we can go back to the time whereby we are still best of friends. I still remember the calls from him every night and the late night drive. All these... practically impossible. I never got any news from him... All the best in whatever he does. Hopefully he still remembers me as a friend.

Valene got her verdict. She has to resit for her papers with a 5 week module... felt really upset for her. I mean.. I am lost of words and I do not know how is she handling.. hopefully everything would be alright.

My parents might not be going for my convocation. +Upset+

Ok.. enought of my whining.. Have to go to sleep especially today is my first day of work and I have to wake up at 645 and now.. it is almost to 3 am.. GGggrrrss

The blind wants to see, I want to be blind

2005-06-24T15:10:00.000+08:00

Most blind hopes to regain their sight, me.. an able-bodied wishes to be blind. I do not wish to see the cruelty of man, the ugly side of everything. I have lived for 24 years, not exactly of being old and not being young, but I am extremely tired. Tired, sick and pissed off.

I seem to have lost the ability to even write everything or even say anything now..

Sorrow and Anger is resting side by side with me.

Down on Luck

2005-06-17T20:12:00.000+08:00

It has been long since I updated on my blog. Probably I have been finding many excuses not penning my thoughts down. I have always been able to express my feelings freely but recently the invasion of privacy has sortta taken my ability to do what I want. Anyway, I am writing things down because I have no way to vent my frustration in life. Everything seems to be heading the wrong way. I cannot seem to find the right path of life.

Recent events has led me to think about my life again. I found a job that I like but the pay sucks big time. I am still job hunting... however I am still finding a job that I like and that pays. At the same thing, my mind is all about getting a degree. SMU has rejected my application which has led me to depression. At times I feel that I am not cut out to studying, but I really do not want just to stop at a diploma. I want a degree just to prove someone wrong and that I do not want a pay only restricted for diploma holders.

One of my good friend is caught in a dilemma. Being bugged by... 2 pyscho. Infact is 4 pyscho. He is simply a magnet for pyscho. He is my god! I have to bow to him at times. Anyway, recent events has led me to looking into people into a deeper level and that human should not test the limit of god. I mean things can come out in the most unexpected moments. Be it love, friends or family. Things just happen.

My mp3 player has been causing me nothing but trouble. Suppose to use it as a backup storage. Instead all the data could go in and not come out. What the fuck? Creative Zen touch... real disappointment. Imagine the amount I paid for it and the service I get. Oh yah, I forgot to mention. They actually do not escalate the matter to higher authority. When I first brought it to service, a girl who handled my mp3player... does not know how a Zen touch actually works. Guess what... she was the one who is suppose to repair it. God... I only realised that today and that she has actually deleted almost everything in the mp3 player. Huge disappointment. To think, I wanted to get a sound system from them.

Lastly... I thought it would be easy, but I do miss europe and of course him. It is much tougher than I thought it would be. Sometimes I dreamt I would wake up beside him but I am back. I am not sure when we would ever meet again.

Emptiness

2005-05-06T18:04:00.000+08:00

I hate the feeling of being here and when everything goes all wrong back home. My soul is completely consumed by the frustration of being useless. All I can do is talk and talk. I can do nothing except talk. What is the use of talking? Anyone can do that infact some can do better than me. What is so hard about talking? Just big words and no actions.

I see 2 friends that I dote on... upset. It is not like being plain upset about losing a hair on their hand. It is about life, critical decisions. Elroy... I feel the hardship he has to go through after the accident. It is not an easy ordeal especially... it has to do with his face. I still can remember his words strongly.. "I don't recognise the person infront of the mirror". It is not just words expressed out casually but on a serious tone. Trendy.. going through friendship problems. Not just someone who says hi and bye, but on a deeper level. Unappreciated and deserted, angel turned devil. I felt the pain and urgency of these 2 close friends. I really want to be there to help them out and hopefully ease these pain that they are going through. Hug, talk, going out and drinking. But what can I do now... Some empty words of consolation. That's all. It means nothing. Others could do better than that. Just being there is better those empty words. Physically there. Where am I? In a fucking place whereby freedom of speech is being condemned and loneliness surrounds me.

Family... Things ain't going well too. Dad called up telling me that the whole family needs to go for full body checkup. Apparently there is an inherited complication in our family blood. Hole in the heart. My uncle has just discovered it recently and there is a history in my aunt and cousin. Dad also mentioned that he has not been feeling well these days.

My birthday... I can still remember it.. I spent alone with a bottle of vodka and juice. I missed the feeling of celebration and the usual stuff that I get. Mee sua from my parents and every year without fail, a lunch appointment with my aunt.

I missed home badly and I really really want to go and just hug everyone in sight. This emptiness in me... longs to be home..

I need to be drunk

2005-04-30T01:37:00.000+08:00

I am determined to get drunk tonight. It is like my world is crashing down on me.. Why must things come crushing down when I am alone in Germany. I miss the feeling of just seeing my parents.. I just knew that problems will be ok whenever I see them (even though problems are not solved... I knew they would be there for me). I miss my dad the most. I never knew how nice he could be until I am in Germany. I guess I was stupid when I was so rebellious back home. But I am glad that I woke up from this stupidity of mine.

To say I never love him.... I am lying. I guess I had fallen in love. Still our problems are not solved. Although I said it all and he read most of them... the issue is not solved. He is right... I am always thinking about only myself. Guess that independent and the ego in me is preventing me from saying things to him. I don't know how to change... but I do still want this relationship... I mean... it is hard to come by someone i fancy. God... what the hell am I thinking?

I just needed to be drunk!

In denial

2005-04-29T04:38:00.000+08:00

Although I said many times I didn't mind or care about what happens to me and him. But I think I am just in denial. I care a lot. It takes me 5 years or more to get into a relationship, but it didn't turn out what I thought it would be. It is really weird... I know that I don't really love him as much as I do for ash... but yet emotions act strongly. A lot of my friends are asking me to let go.. just that I really don't know how to. I know he is making use of me but still sometimes I wish this ain't true.

I longed to be loved.. to run to someone when I am upset. Just like what I did with ash... but the reality... sucks. I didn't run to him and the fact... I am always crying alone. It hurts... I mean... I need a bf not just for display but someone who can share everything with me... now... I just feel alone...

Once again...not in the right state of mind

2005-04-26T21:26:00.000+08:00

It has been long since I last updated my blog.... partially due to the fact that I have a boyfriend who snoops around my stuff... I have just lost something called privacy ever since I got attached.

For those who did not know... yes I am attached. Even though I am in Germany... that does not account that I should have a German boyfriend. Well.. to solve the mystery of who he is.... he is a french. Average looking, lean and standing 1.84m. Yes... I am short and yes... he is super tall in comparison with me. I do not have any pictures of him yet as I have lost my fucking digital camera. Will take a picture of him to show you guys. A clue to how he looks like... the movie, transporter. That bald guy or the "handsome Rob" in Italian Job. If you are wondering about his name, address him as Laurent (Pronounce it without the 'R')

I can still recall the days of dreaming of having a boyfriend. Well.. now I got one... but it is so so different. I am not exactly happy, but I am trying to be happy. Contradiction? I have no clue to what I am doing right now as well. People are always saying those who are in loved are bliss. Am I truly bliss? I do not know. This relationship... is a mess. We are constantly having communication problems, either I am too stupid to comprehend his words or we can't communicate at all. Another factor that adds to the frustration is that both of us have big ego. (In case no one knows or unaware of... I HAVE A HUGE EGO. An ego of a man as well) He will never admit he is wrong and that I cannot be bothered to explain stuffs that people do not believe in me. At times... I cannot sense that he is in love with me.

Oh yah.. just came back from Paris... and yes I have yet to update about the amsterdam trip. These 2 can wait.. I will review it when I have the time. Discovered another side of him that I didn't like. Empty promises.. he is always giving empty promises. I am a person who simply dislike people who cannot keep to their promises. Maybe it is only me... If I promise someone something... I will normally keep to my end of that promise.. He... well... as I said empty promises. This is one major flaw of his that I cannot tolerate. I know it is hard to hold to the end of the bargain.. but if promises cannot be done... don't promise... it is like giving false hopes. Maybe this fault lies with all the guys in the world.

Think I will stop here for now... really very angry and simply have no words how to put down on this frustration. Will upate soon

I am bliss yet worried

2005-04-11T16:06:00.000+08:00

I am living in heaven these days. It has been almost 5 years since I was last attached. It feels good to be loved. However, there is this insecurity demon that never fails to get me. Probably you guys do not know.. I am never confident of myself and the fault always lie to me whenever something just crops up. Unlike the other boyfriends I had, he is different. Firstly, we are brought up in different ways (French and Chinese?) and there is constant reminders of people of how french guys are. All these words are driving me crazy. I know I should trust people, but I just don't know how. Not only I have to handle those words, the distance that we have when we get back home (France and Singapore ain't like Singapore and JB). Just lost in my thoughts.

Dilemma

2005-04-08T20:01:00.000+08:00

Love the feeling of being loved, but how long will it last? The guilt in me is overpowering me.

Miserable is defined by oneself

2005-04-06T18:15:00.000+08:00

One of my friend told me that it is your choice to decide whether you want to stay miserable or get out of it.

In the past, shortly after the major incident in my life, I went completely emotionless, totally I would define at inhuman? I could barely know what is pain, sorrow, sadness. All sorts of emotions just go. Basically I was like a walking zombie. I would not care about anyone's feelings and I live in my own world. Don't even mention about being miserable. I won't even know what it means. But now... it seems so different. It is like I have become human and not the heartless bitch people used to say. I don't know whether should I like it or should I get back to the same. It is like an easy task for me to become who I am used to be. Basically it is just trapping my mind in a state of invisibility, whereby I disregard everything. However to a certain extend, I do not wish to transform. I seen how happy my family members can be when I pull myself out of that state and one last thing that I wanna do is to disappoint them. I am in a state whereby thoughts just run freely and I have not a single clue of what is going on.

I do not know why I care about L so much. Probably I see ash in him somehow or rather. It is like being able to communicate someone with not so much hesitation and I could throw my tantrums whenever I want to. Still no one can be comparable to ash. Maybe it is a mindset, but he was really really good to me. It is only my stupidity and my attitude that led us to this stage. I can still recall the day clearly, the day both of us just walk away, or he walk out of me. How can I find someone who is so similar or the exact opposite of me? How can I find someone who can reads my twisted mind so clearly? He managed to do all these.

I am lost... tell me what to do. Should I change back or should I remain the same? Every emotion is killing me and it is a matter of time before I just break down mentally.

Photos

2005-04-06T17:21:00.000+08:00

My class in concentration

Me and my class rep, Erlande

Shattered

2005-04-04T20:58:00.000+08:00

Miscommunication can be disasterous when it becomes nasty. I hate what is going on and I have never been so upset til this stage ever since I came Germany. This is the most extreme. How I feel about it? My heart just shattered, I can feel the pain and the sorrowness coming it. I cannot help but feel gloomy. It is not easily recovered and I have no clue will I ever recover from this pain... it can be disastrous when you think you know someone when you don't really know. Probably I should just shun away for now.

I WANT TO RUN AWAY!!!

Nostalgic

2005-04-02T04:27:00.000+08:00

Was thinking of many things alone when I strolled through the park. It has been long since I ran away in peace and ALONE. It is stressful being spied upon everyday. I cannot believe the people living in here. Forever spying on me. The things that I purchased, the things that I have done, I can see it repeating in a cycle in those spies. Example: I purchased a particular fruit juice, the very next thing on the next day, I will see the same product on the shelf. It is sickening to see it everytime this happens. AaaaHHhhh!

Dad called today. We chatted for quite a while. He was worried especially when I was not able to pick up his call for many days. Just broke down to him when i told him the hardship here. It was really tough and he knew it. He just kept consoling me to bear with it and it would soon be over. We spoke about the past and the foul tempered of mine and things that we never talked before. Probably it was my stubborness and the miscommunication uncleared led me to always running away from home. Now it is the stupidity that led me to staying here.

Spoke to Elroy. Could feel his pain and he almost broke down too. He had no one to turn to especially confiding about the accidents and the after effects. At that point of time, I really wished that I could hug and console him, but I am in Germany. Well, guess me and him... have to be strong and survive.

My tears were about to flow when I am writing this blog. Guess I should stop before I really start to sob again. Will update about my amsterdam trip the next blog.

A sweet conversation

2005-03-30T17:41:00.000+08:00

A conversation between me and my uncle in msn. Migraine is me & Francis is my uncle.

Migraine says: old man!!!!!!!!!!
Francis says: migraine, headache, lifsucks
Francis says: wat else?
Migraine says: :(
Migraine says: always saying me
Francis says: ya wat
Migraine says: but correct what... i am having migraine now
Francis says: be positive
Francis says: always so negative
Migraine says: old man.... sobz
Francis says: feel good n u will be good
Francis says: dun sobz
Francis says: i have more problems than u

To hear him comforting me after like a year... was soothing... I have not seen uncle for like many years since I left. He is always like a father to me... who will scold me whenever I am wrong. Though this conversation does not seem very appealing to many... it definitely make a difference to me.

Deep in thoughts

2005-03-24T17:37:00.000+08:00

I live in a dream that I can never get
I panick with the fear that I might never walk
I wake up in reality that I never believe
I get lost in feelings that I cannot handle

Yet,
I want to live by my dreams to serve me as a guide
I want to travel despite the fact I may be handicapped
I want to survive with the harsh reality that I hate
I want to contain my feelings so I can feel human again

I have no idea why I wrote this... It just came to my mind when one of my classmates was presenting about Morocco. It is a dream to go there since I was 15. I have no idea why but it just draws me there. I miss my freedom, the freedom of speech, thoughts and writing...

Deep in thoughts

Off

2005-03-24T15:55:00.000+08:00

I am off to Amsterdam in just 1 day's time. Off to relax and enjoy! Not going to spend any $$ as I am broke. BUT IT WILL BE FUN!!!

Still Lost

2005-03-24T05:46:00.000+08:00

STUPID BLOG. Press the wrong key and my fucking blog was gone and I had to rewrite. It is so different when you rewrite, the feeling ain't there!

It will be another 2 months or so before going back to Singapore and another 37 days before my birthday. I am counting each and everyday as it passes by.

Today was presentation day. Everyone in the class is supposed to present a country which they know little of. Maybe I am over-sensitive, but today definitely ain't my day. Was shocked about the Germans. I mean they know little of the country but to judge them based on such little facts, I cannot help but to feel angry. I know I do not belong to all those countries or are they in any relationship with me, it just doesn't seem right to judge it this way. I can feel the hostility from everyone in the class. Maybe not all yet... (I must emphasize on the word YET), but most of them. I can still recall some of the words said. "If I am given 1 million dollar, I would definitely not learn another language such as Mandarin" To you guys it may seem normal, and yes Mandarin is difficult to master, but why quote this? I mean it is like telling a Chinese I hate Chinese. (Yes you guys gonna say I am sensitive, but I just can't help it).

L came back to me telling me how nice Germans are. Probably it has been instilled in me. I practically cannot accept the Germans in my class. YES I KNOW I AM NOT OPEN-MINDED, YES I KNOW I AM HOSTILE! I mean it is not that I don't wish to know them better.. it is just 4 words. I have given up. To try and to try, it is sickening. Maybe I have this attitude in me, if it cannot do me any good, I cannot be bothered. I tried talking to the girls in my class, but their respond I get... is simply dreadful.

To make matter worse, I sortta like ask pinky to buzz off and have not talked to her since a few days back. I know it ain't really her fault but i just cannot be bothered now. I am already so stressed up myself, that ... at times i really wished that I am still the mean heartless biatch and the one who don't care about consequence.

I really don't know, I have no clue what to do next. I am simply lost. I AM AT THE EDGE OF FALLING OFF!!! CAN SOMEONE JUST FUCKING KILL ME NOW OR MUST I DO IT MYSELF?

Lost

2005-03-24T04:10:00.000+08:00

I can't help it but feel lost.

Happy and Tired

2005-03-21T18:19:00.000+08:00

Was in Mosbach for the weekend. Before reaching there, I was certainly pissed. The fucking train from Lauda to Osterburken was late again. I mean it is fucking sickening. Whenever it is late, I would miss the connecting train to Mosbach and it will be an hour before another one arrives. LUCKILY, I manage to get there on time. Went to mediamart to buy a digital camera. It is good. Sony Cybershot 4.1 Megapixel costing only 159 Euros. I mean it is very cheap as compared back home. It is also made in Japan. Definitely a MUST buy. Was really very happy when I got it. After, we headed to Mac for a meal and to meet up with my american friend. Had promised him a drink before he left. But he seems distracted and not himself. Didn't talk much to him in the end. Oh god... talking about the world being small. Was praying hard not to see idiots in the bar... caught them coming in after like 1hr later. GggrrRss. In the end, we went over to the spanish place for a drink.

It was really funny. We were busy drinking vodka and having lots of fun and nonsense. We took a lot of pictures with it and will upload into my multiply and here. LIONEL is really CUTE. He looks like a little boy and Juan.. still as attractive as ever. Got to know another spanish called Enrique. He is nice, just unpredictable. Still it was a great weekend.

Went to the vietnamese restaurant. Was angry when I saw that bitch who backstabbed me. I hate seeing her especially I am not forgiving person. She still owes me my money and did not return. FUCKING BITCH!!!!

Tired.... now having International Finance... Imagine I have notbeen sleeping well these days. Thursday night - slept at 4 am and up at 830am, Friday night 4am - 9am, Saturday - No sleep, Sunday 11pm - 730am. Have yet to catch up and this week is to Amsterdam! GOD!

Me with Ez-Link Card

Gorgeous Juan

The 3 crazy people

All of us

Irony

2005-03-18T09:56:00.000+08:00

It is fucking 3 am in Germany... I am super super super tired and yet I cannot sleep. I mean these days I have been trying hard to sleep... now when I am tired, I cannot sleep. An irony. It is doom's day tommorrow and I am still struggling for it. I mean I just realised that some of the formulae... I simply don't understand. How can I use it for tommorrow when I can't understand now. It is driving me crazy!

I am really stupid. I thought that i had paid the rent. The landlord came knocking on my door telling me that I have not paid. I am utterly shocked. Realised that there is a miscommunication when the deposit is for 3 months and not 2 months deposit + 1 month rent. It means I am going broke soon. Left with only a few hundred bucks in the fucking god damn bank. I mean I am able to survive with it, just that I cannot spend. I am trying hard to save up for my trip to France. God... must try to survive and not overspend... Still need to buy a digital camera... AHHHHHH

I need vitamin M

AaaAAaHhhHHh

2005-03-17T07:10:00.000+08:00

Finally, after trying for many fucking hours, I can log in to write my blog.

It is a dreadful day. I didn't want to leave my bed and thought of skipping school. But I recalled a friend saying this... you pay so much to go to Germany to skip school? Practically drag my feet to the bathroom. Was really really tired as I tossed and turned again. I have not been sleeping well for the past few nights. It is either nightmare or practically no reason or whatsoever.. and I still miss my eeyor at home. Miss hugging something to sleep... now... it is just an empty bed... with nothing. AaaAaahhHHh! I really regretted not packing it into my bag now.

Finance class again... Was about to doze during lesson. It is really hard to stay awake. Received a bad news. We can't use the laptop for the first paper. The reason for such action, the fucking germans in my class... well apparently they are rich enough to buy a laptop, but their fucking batteries ain't working. WHAT THE FUCK! I mean just because of this incident, all calculations has to switch using calculators. It is really fucked up especially I have spent hours building up the spreadsheet. Thank god, it is a blessing in disguise for me since I always use calculator instead of spreadsheet to count numbers. At least I sortta know how to calculate for those damn fucking figures and calculations should they are out in the exam paper.

Funny, Laurent ask me out for lunch. Rare but funny. Went ahead to the chinese fast food outlet near the train station. At first when I stepped in.. it was like... why are the menu in German. At the same time, there is this lady standing behind the counter. I was wondering.. if she knew how to speak Chinese. I was hesitant to speak until she offered to translate it for me and... SHE SPOKE CHINESE! Ahahaha. AND GUESS WHAT I SPOTTED ON THE MENU!!! WANTON!!! OH MY GOD!!! It has been like ages since I last ate this. Too bad they don't sell wanton mee. STILL... it is one of the dishes that I normally love to eat. Ordered fried noodles. Got a shock again (yes yes.. today I am getting many shocks). The portion was huge, probably the same as Australia, just that at that spur moment, I forgotten that non-asians eat a lot. Laurent wanted to treat me, but didn't let him do it. I just don't feel right especially when I ordered 2 dishes and I know how hard up we are on cash.

Dad called me up today. Chatted quite a while with him. Realised I have really changed. I mean... I used to dislike whenever he calls my mobile back home. Now... it is like I rather stay home and wait for his call. He was teasing me with the favourite dishes that I loved. God, I really really miss Singapore Food especially ba gua. Will definitely have my fill of ba gua when I get home. He also reminded to tour around Germany especially it is turning spring. (Yes! My favourite tulips will bloom! It would be damn beautiful, can't hardly wait)

Really very tired now but I am still struggling with the International Finance. I can't afford to fail again especially my parents are so nice to me. AaaAaAAhhhHHHHhhh!

State of Shock

2005-03-16T04:13:00.000+08:00

Today's lesson was mentally stressful. Not only did I realized I was dumb, I was very very extremely stupid. It can be measured with the fact that my IQ is simply 0. For the entire Internation Finance course, I never really knew what the lecturer is talking about. Whenever he explains, it is fine. But once you are left alone, the stupidity starts to hit on you. I don't really know if the Germans understood or it is just me being plain dumb. I always thought that my understanding for the topic would be easier since I have an advantage of knowing english. Now.. god... please help me. Probably they can act well.. I think it is going to be doom's day for me when the exam is drawing near.

Finally got to know the french guy a bit better. I mean he is nicer than what I expected. He offered to bring me around France. I mean it is a really nice gesture. I was touched by it. I mean since I came here, the europeans are not that nice to me. Probably because I am an asian and there is a difference in that. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I am confused about knowing someone better.

Am still waiting for my webcam to arrive. Can't wait to video conference with people back home. :)

Nightmare

2005-03-11T17:56:00.000+08:00

Oh boy... 5th day of finance and it is DRIVING ME WORSE. God... you will never imagine what life is like. Have not been sleeping well due to Pinky. God.. now I know how stress you guys (NYP) can be. Pinky has been rushing her projects day and night and I have been seeing her sleep like 4 or 6 am and waking up at 7 or 8am. Hopefully to lighten her load, I offer my help. In the end, I am being affected by it. Lack of sleep and loss of concentration. To make matter worse, last night... I had a continuation of 3 nightmares. All some psychotic dreams, 2 of them, I was on the verge of being killed. I remembered one of them vividly. My family were running around to prevent ourselves from being hunted down. It was really horrifying. 3 times that I woke up, I wished I was back home with my eeyor to hug or just go to my huge living room just to daze.

Finance is really really tough. The lecturer is talking now.. and I simply catch no balls. Am I really that dumb? Thought that Business Finance is hard.... International Finance is worse. It is a mix of economics, international trade, forex, and business finance. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! It is driving me nuts.

Sadly to say, I ask help from some locals for my work. None seems to be willing to do so. Probably it is really time for me to reflect myself. I mean.... I have no clue or whatsoever. I mean mixing around in Singapore is so less complicated.. dislike each other... but when it comes to work... it is still being done and shared. Gosh

Something big happen this week. Being backstabbed. It seems like I am getting this piece of shit everywhere. A bitch borrowed money from me and turn around telling people I borrowed from her when I tried to get back. BITCH. She actually did it to the 3 of us. I mean.. the other girls are nicer. They are willing to forgive her despite her actions. For me.. it is really difficult. I am not a forgiving person. (the only exception was after almost 8 years).

I notice a difference in the people I frequently talk. Probably it is due to stress. I feel the hurt in words there. I mean.. yes.. I am in a foreign country... and yes I do miss a lot of things there. I mean I will always consistently joking about missing the food and stuff there, but the real fact... I never ask those stuff to be here. I am not out to ka my friends, although it is always on my mouth. I mean you guys know me... will I actually do that? Have I ever done that in real life? I mean when you guys judge me, I feel the hurt.

Sad week for me.

Finance Class

2005-03-10T21:36:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOD!!!! It is tough! Finance is really tough... plus that the lecturer does not really explain well.. probably I cannot express it well myself and that the lecturer does not know what I am talking. But seriously. FINANCE IS HARD... and worse still.. it is International Finance. I have to start using FOREX and guys... u know how i deal with number. I can really be bad in it. Oh man.... i prefer accounting than this. The germans are also confusing me. I mean at times when I get the answers for the question, they elaborate and focus on many details til I am totally lost. Simply too lost and I am going berserk!

AHHHHHHHHHHH

?

2005-03-09T05:47:00.000+08:00

-Listening Liang Jing Ru - Jie Shou - Nice song

Confused.

Loneliness

2005-03-04T06:16:00.000+08:00

It is middle of night and I cannot help but feel lonely. (I am listening to sad songs, ain't helping much) Back home I have friends. Here... I don't even know what friends meant. Basically i feel like a fool.. a tool being made use of. The eeyor that I always hug, ain't by my side.

I am under a lot of stress. The people here are putting me under tremendous stress. They are constantly asking me what I have studied and what have I not touch on. I mean... it makes me tremble so much that I cannot stop smoking. I hate to smoke but I cannot help it. Can you guys believe me panicking about exams til I tremble... I can't believe it myself.. but I did.

Loneliness has grasp me... I want someone to be my side... but I just can't find one.

I WANT TO MOVE OUT!!!

2005-02-25T20:02:00.000+08:00

I really want to move out of this place. God... you guys can never imagine how filthy it can be.. I have photographs of this screwed up place (You guys must be think I am nuts and I thought myself too. To ever think I wanna take pictures of this filthy pig sty) I have always been messy. My parents always complain about me not cleaning but never will they imagine the mother fuckers here are... much much much horrid. They never clean up... the table are always left with crumps of biscuits or bread... the dishes are still stained even though they insist on washing up. The baking tin still lies with the bread crumb and now... it is totally toast and difficult to remove. GOODNESS GRACIOUS! What the fuck am i doing here??

Cried to my dad finally...not really the first time.. it was the second time.. I just bawled... He was shocked to hear that I actually crumble down. Normally, when I have problems... I will just swallow it up or try to forget about it. It has been long since dad asked me to stop crying and be strong. It is really comforting to hear from them. I could hear my mum sobbing with me. Dad offered to come and visit me. Sweet... I think it will be in March as it is during school holidays and he will have more free time.

Oh yah... it is really sweet. One of my classmate wanted to send me ba gua. I seriously deprived of food and it is really really very sweet of her wanting to deliver to me. GUYS!!!!!!! YOU ALL SO CLOSE TO ME... and NONE... i mean NONE OF U EVER MENTION MISSING ME OR SENDING ME FOOD!!! Utterly disappointed... oh yah.... RANK!!!!! MY PSP!!! PSP!!!! I want that for my birthday! Ha!!

In Total Silence

2005-02-23T20:10:00.000+08:00

I still recall the first day I went NYP. I was in total silence and nothing could start me talking. It is the same thing happening now in Germany. Words don't just flow out of my mouth and practically I am shut to myself.

It all begins after knowing people deeper. Sometimes I wonder if it is a good idea to know someone so detailed or should friendship be paused at a stage whereby there is only 'Hi' and 'Bye'. It has been pondering at the back of my mind.... Let me reintroduce those main leads.

L - He has been getting on my nerves ever since I got to know him a bit better. God... now then I realised... being bullied ain't funny. You guys should know... I am always the one bullying everyone.. now I got the taste of it. Ain't nice.. I got picked on and hit on my head almost everyday. Being teased for being Singaporean too. (I am not so patriotic but there is a limit to what people can just say). The straw finally came down when I shouted at him. He never talk to me anymore, which can be quite a good sign. Oh I almost forgot.. he has a problem with the authority yet he does not voice out. I mean what is the use of complaining behind their back. I almost landed up in deep shit because of him as well. AHHHHH!!!!!

V - Stands for vaginal. Muahahaha... Someone created that for me. I mean it is rude to call someone this way. But do you think I care. Ha! Typically a selfish fucking bitch. I am sorry to say but this description suits her really perfectly. Apparently she has a physical appearance of... Olive or Jughead's Lover in Archie... or... the sister of Notting Hill. She likes to backstab people and simply a pain in the butt. God... I hate seeing her.

D - HUM JI! Talk big but cannot deliver anything. (oh I have been crying for god ever since I came here). Typically hum ji and pervertic fellow.

Everyone in the class - Got a bitch who told me off the other day. I didn't know chairs are being taken especially they are not being LABELLED. FUCK! The rest were .... simply introverts.

I am crossing my fingers for everything now.

Sigh...

2005-02-15T01:46:00.000+08:00

It is Valentine's day.. The day I usually dread. Everyone has their partners and me... all alone. Been like... 5 years or more since I last celebrated..

I have finally coloured and cut my hair. I miss being in Singapore. Everytime when I am angry or stressed, I can go ahead to cut and colour without having to think too much. Here... one haircut is 35 euros! Gosh! Been too pressurized and too pissed off and I finally had it done on Saturday! Brown and Blonde... but my hair cut sucks big time. They cut it really short... so I find it a bit weird.

Guess what... you can make good friends by just going for a haircut. Made some vietnamese friends and they are the nicest people in Germany I come across so far. They treated us like their own family. I just mention about liking to eat vietnamese food and I got it the very next day. Gosh... It really warms my heart in this cold heartless winter. They also invited me to join them for a heidelburg trip this coming saturday. Can hardly wait!

Been depressed since yesterday. I realised I forgot to wish my mum a happy birthday. I know she is definitely very upset with me... I hated it when I forget to bring my mobile out. Sigh...

Oh yah... need to thank one of my friend. Hey rank, thanks

Lost

2005-02-11T05:22:00.000+08:00

I am totally lost. It seems like I am trapped and the claustrophobic effects is starting to hit on me. I am not physically trapped… just emotionally. Tears fell today when I was talking to my dad. I can still recall the days whereby I dislike everything and locking myself at home. Now... I simply misses everyone. My dad, my mum, my brother and my friends. I never learnt to appreciate them until now. This is really a training session for me. Probably it is the culture and their upbringing of the family. Everyone is really selfish and it is a matter of whether you survive or not. Let me start by introducing the crew of people

Virginia – Spanish Girl. My impression that I had on my mind before I met her was exotic, gorgeous, friendly and selfless (not those Buddha’s selfless act, but just not selfish). The reality is… that she is the exact opposite of what I had imagined. A selfish bitch. Gosh… you guys can never imagine what she is like. It is living hell just staying in this apartment with her.

Daniel - Singaporean Guy. He is a selfish jerk who is 'tan xiao pian yi'. Also, he doesn't bathe and washes his clothes. Apparently, he says that in the winter, nobody bathes everyday. Gosh!

Laurent - French Guy. He looks like the transporter guy (the show whereby Shu Qi is acting). Ok.. only the head, not the body. Nice to chat... so different from Greg.

You guys can never imagine what it is like living with them...

Serious to say... any call from Singapore can make me super happy. To hear from someone who cares is very heart warming...

Sobz....

Miserable

2005-02-09T01:27:00.000+08:00

Miserable, miserable, miserable. I am living in a place whereby everyone is so selfish. God... I really feel like crying now!

A cry for help

2005-01-27T22:27:00.000+08:00

Many things occurred during this week. Really screwed up but I shall touch on something about germany first

Went to Heidelburg on Sat which is 22/01/05. OH MAN! It is so so so so different from Mosbach. Finally, it is a city!!! Guess what I went hunting for when I step down to Heidelburg. Mac Donalds!!! I have been craving for this ever since I came here. Ordered a Royal ST set… wasn’t as royal as it seem. The burger is smaller than the usual burgers I ate (Probably I am too used to Burger King’s Whopper), but I do have my favourite drink… MILK SHAKE. Oh boy… ever since Singapore’s Mac Donald’s milk shake disappeared, I went hunting for cheapest milkshake… none beats the way Mac Donald does it. Anyway… it is costly having a meal here.. cost me around 5 Euros just to have a set meal. Gosh… around… $12…. I can have 2 upsize meal in NYP. Ok… Enough of the crap of Mac Donald. Went around the town and everywhere was having sale. Mango up to 80%, Benetton, Body Shop and etc… I was really in the mood for shopping but I need to save up for the next month and a party I planned. Gosh.. REALLY CHEAP. Might head back to Heidelburg next month for the sales. Hee! The main purpose of going Heidelburg was to visit the castle that one of my classmate was talking about. 300+ steps! I was panting by the time I got up there.. but it was really really really beautiful. Probably I have never seen a castle in my real life. The view was spectacular! I must really get back to this castle when I have my camera with me for the next trip. Nelly…. U MUST SEE THIS CASTLE! After which, we headed to a lounge for drinks. (Nothing to talk about dinner. It was nothing great and it is only pizza hut) Not too bad… but all of us end up spending a lot and I sortta regretted going over especially when people did not pay up. GOSH!

Probably many of you guys do not know about this. I always felt lonely when I am out even with close friends. I do not know why.. but this feeling of being “extra” always pops into my mind whenever I am with anyone. Trendy.. u will be shocked after reading this. I may seem to have a lot of friends in NYP, but I do not maintain a close relationship with them. Most of the time I feel like I am being extra or probably the outcast in the group. It has to do with my self-esteem and I definitely know that. I am not as confident of myself as what you all may see. This is one of the reason that I insist on going to Germany. My mind was telling me.. it does not make a difference if I disappear for 6 month, probably no one will notice that too. I ain’t the attention seeker like that slut (The one who bully pinky, Jacelyn). I am me… I always felt that I am a nobody…. Probably till now.

Ever since I left for Germany, my class seems to be quieter. I could still recall the days of going for coffee and movies after class. It was fun. Apparently, things ain’t the same. According to my informant (Miss Trendy, Tianni), the class seems to be too preoccupied on their own and has gone quieter. Most importantly, the slut is trying to take over. She has been trying to shake her booty (as if she has bigger than mine) and her scrawny body with the guys. I don’t know what the hell she is trying to prove.. but I think the girls in the class are not on her side anymore. BUT… I cannot believe.. that my good friend… el will actually stick to her after my countless reminder that she is interested in his cash and car. Probably he has some charms.. (must give credit) but the fucking problem is the fact is out there. Oh what has gone wrong? Blindness and horny will lead you to nowhere. Hopefully it will lead to just ONS and nothing else. MY GOD! If I am a guy, I will not have ONS with her. Ain’t pretty, no boobs, face slab with thick musk of makeup, and she looks like she is suffering from anorexia. Oh god! Not forgetting.. why is elroy with her too? *about to faint*

Those ain’t the important part. Pinky called me 4 times from Singapore. The first time.. she was on the verge of crying, telling me she is really stressed up. She hung up the phone in less than 2 mins, probably trying hard not to cry in school. The second time.. she rang up telling me everything. I was really shocked. This slut has not been putting effort into the work and worse of all.. getting my good friend, el to her side. Gosh! She even insisted on that Pinky did not do anything and they are not wrong. Pinky was on tears when she was telling me all this. She actually believe in el and to find out he ain’t on her side, makes her feel worse. Probably she didn’t meant to say that she hated me for going germany.. but this thought lingers on my mind ever since. She told me everything about what is going around her and how lonely she is in Singapore. I really really felt horrible. I definitely knows it feels because it has always been in me. Anyway, the project weights 30% and the work they gave ain’t contributing much. The marvelous thing was it has 2 days before dateline. It took me quite a while to calm her down and my promise to help her in whatever I can. But guess again. 5am Singapore time, 10pm germany time, she was bawling. She could not handle the load and she wants to fail this module and give up everything. I swear… if I am in Singapore that moment… el’s face will be beaten to a pulp. I felt really helpless and all I could do was to console her. The last time she called… her state of mind was better and I did the best I could (given no internet and very few information). I guided the way through and we crap through the phone for a while. At least I could hear her getting happier. Really really regret coming to Germany and leaving a mess there. Anyway, the phone bills is going to burst. Think it will be around $150. The total time spent on phone was definitely more than an hour, but it is cheaper than me calling her. $5 per minute. GOD!

The French gal, Ali actually asked me why was I helping. Why can’t Pinky handle her own? Maybe you guys will also find it weird, why am I helping her to do the report especially I am in Germany and it does not concern me at all. Pinky was my first friend in NYP. She has been with me for almost 3 years. Yes, we have our squabbles, differences and everything, but she was my first friend. She approached to me when no one else did. I can still recall the first year in NYP, the first week. It was hell. I was alone. No friends, nothing. I thought this would stick through for the rest of my 3 years till she approached. She made a difference in my path through NYP. And now, she comes crying for aid… there is no way that I am going to reject her. It seems silly to most people, but that is what friends are for. Help each other in need and she definitely need mine.

Ok… it is getting too lengthy, gonna end here. Anyway.. Pinky.. Sorry.

Weird

2005-01-16T19:04:00.000+08:00

It is weird being in Germany. Probably I am all alone now and things start flowing into my brain. I always claim myself as a heartless biatch who cannot give a fuck about anything in the world. Well guess being a foreign land… things can really change your perception of things. I am beginning to feel alive and starting to miss everything in Singapore. I can recall the naggings of my mother, her perfectly home-made dishes, the warmth of the family (Despite the fact I insisted there isn’t), my stern stubborn dad, the constant conversations and nagging from my brother, my aunt whom I always run to and all the times I spend with my friends. Guess I am beginning to appreciate things that I once claimed to be useless or pointless to have.

Germany trip has really made me grown up. I have to totally rely on myself for everything. The others who came with me.. well if I depend on them… I might just as well die. As mentioned before, oh man… situation is getting worse. Sometimes I wonder where they left their brains. I mean… the accommodation is always a problem. The first time when we complained back to NYP, it did not work. What makes them think it will work again. NYP has already deserted us in the first place and they cannot be bothered if we were dead or alive. They only care to boast around and do things when they like. Guess that N is really a darn ass to actually wanna complain. IT WON’T WORK! Oh my… hopefully the transfer of school will work and I will not be stuck with 1 geek and 2 idiots.

Oh yah… went shopping in this small town where I am living and got a few pieces of nice wearable clothes. I have forgot to mention that I am living in a SMALL TOWN called Mosbach. It is so small that you can complete the whole area within half a day. Everything closes at 6pm and everything is also closed on Sunday. So basically if you have forgotten to buy your grocery before Sunday, you will starved to death. No, there isn’t 7-11 around. Talking about this town, it is actually quite beautiful despite being small. There are also some nice shops around that do sell clothes and some of the necessity stuff that I need. However, the pace of Germans… are really slow as compared back home. But alcohol is really cheap. Ha! Been drinking quite a lot, beers and vodka!!! :P

Got to know a few seniors (International Students) and some of my classmates better. Let’s start with the most gorgeous guy.

Juan Carlos – He is from Spain. Oh man… HE IS SUPER SUPER GORGEOUS. I really mean it… Green eyes, even better looking than brad pitt. Oh my.. It is a wow when I saw him. But one thing about him… snob. Probably he knows he is gorgeous. But seriously girls, you should check him out. To die for

Eduarardo – He is from Spain as well. Not good looking, but he always remind me of my cousin, Alvin. They have similarities as in features. But basically, he is a super nice chap. Better than Carlos.

Adam – From Poland… but he has this strong American accent. Anyway he was staying in America for 3 years. Real attitude problem but overall… quite alrite.

Greg – French guy from the senior program. I knew him from Ali… He is a really nice sweet guy. I mean… I always have this perception of French men being snob, but he is really nice and he still owes me a strip dance. Ahahaha

Tucker – He is quite cute. Oh my… I only discovered he is 21 and I always thought that he is older than me. Hunky cute American. What can I really say about him.. sweet and apparently he knows how to cook. Went to his house over for a dinner. Sweet…. Ohh… too bad he is younger than me. I almost had a crush on him. Ha

Lastly there is this French guy in first day of school. HE IS REALLY CUTE… I mean not as gorgeous as Carlos but typically the kinda guy that I like. He is shy and yet approachable. Too bad we have communication breakdown. Apparently, he does not understand any English and my French sucks. But we did try to talk. Ha!

Ok… that’s for all today.

Fucking Pissed

2005-01-14T22:51:00.000+08:00

It is really fucking pissed in here at times... Oh well there are also nice moments though. Let's start on the brighter side...

Went clubing last night (The only club in Mosbach, T-Club) ... It was GREAT. From 10pm til 3am (In Germany time). The music sucks but at least I do not miss clubbing life that much. Also everyone was sweet. However I realised one thing from Germans. They are introverts. They need someone to start the ball rolling before anything can be done. Free flows of beer and non-alcoholic drinks... slightly better than what I have in Singapore... other than that.. I still prefer zouk. OH gosh... talking about introverts... guess what... when I first step into this T-Club... people are just practically standing and drinking... No one was dancing... til Ali and the rest of us started.

Ali: she is a french girl I get to know from this foreign exchange program. Pretty with nice boob. ok... guyz.. don't get me wrong... seriously ... she has nice boobs and NO I AM NOT A LES! Nice girl but oh well.. I am only comment til now as I only know her for a week.

Got the biggest shit from my school today. Realised a lot of potentially deadly stuff that I think I may commit in my stay in Bad Mergenthime. I got a feeling that I might just get kicked out in a week's time. Here are some of the shit rules that is being laid.

(1) No noise from 12pm - 2pm and 10pm til 8am. (I mean... WHAT IS THIS SHIT!!!! I cannot play my music anymore!!!!)
(2) You got to paint the house before moving out!! (It is holy crap. I mean who will dirty your own place)
(3) Wash all your dishes immediately after food (Fuck... don't everyone just washes it... who will leave dirty dishes around...)
(4) You got to clean the house twice a week and there will be spotchecks. (ok... apparently... there is no privacy. They come in and check as and when they like. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!)
(5) Upfront 3 months deposit.! (I don't print money you know)

I really really feel that I am being conned into here...
Will update you guys more if I can recall!

Germany

2005-01-11T23:21:00.000+08:00

Yo fellows! I am in germany!!!

Ok starting from Day 01...
It was pretty good except.. I must really comment 17 hours of flight is a killer. It is totally a nightmare especially there is no personal tv.. Moving around is also tough when there are drunkards around the flight. Practically everyone drinks on the plane and a few were drunk. Gosh! Also the flight attendant keeps dropping drinks on me... haiz... I am really suay.

Rest of the week til now
I am stuck in a small town whereby.. practically really nothing much... small shops and I yet seen my adidas and puma. *Shreks* And the "best" thing.... it closes on every sunday. Sunday is a ghost town where there ain't anyone around. Haiz...

I realise something. People are not what you see and humans are really really selfish. I think I am starting to miss everyone back home. I mean it is like.. ok let start from those who come from singapore.

A: a bitch. Fucking hell... she practically rely on everyone and it is like missing home everyday and sobbing her tears out. The fucking thing is she keeps saying it every morning and asking how come i don't miss home. Believe it or not... I DO.. just that crying it out and repeating it ain't gonna solve the problem. A backstabber too. BITCH

D: A total selfish jerk. He only does things for himself. A pervertic freak as well. Heard from his bunk mate that... he scratches.. u know .. and he makes this funny noise on and off. Also he eats like a cow. Does not leave food for the rest. I HATE HIM!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! i still have to stay with him for my rest of the trip

V: she is ok, but god knows... *Keeping my fingers crossed*

N: OH MAN. Keeps on complaining about being poor and other stuffs. I mean if you know you cannot handle the finances around, then maybe you should not come in the first place. Also he keeps borrowing stuffs from me; I mean... once a while is ok... but everytime? It is a bit too much...

Sweet

2005-01-04T01:59:00.000+08:00

Really very sweet today. Spending the last few hours of my time in Singapore with a bunch of nice friends. I think I will really miss them a lot. To ever think... my closer friends... did not really spend time with me, instead.. others try to make an effort.

Today... elvin finally bought the set of Winnie the pooh series. Ahahaha. I mean... ok... I did not actually think he will buy. Let's face it... Many times he ask me out... in the end... never make it. Even my gift for my friends.. I ask him to pass... he can still forget about it. How 'thoughtful' of him! But still after much 'forcing' he bought the set. Gave 2 of them to my friends, trendy and kris. Well... wanted to gave the Piglet away as well... but... i mean.. i want to keep it because it is a gift from friend.. cannot just give all away. I didn't feel good after that.... I mean i felt like the other 2 girls... didn't get anything. Felt really really horrible.

Gonna leave in a few hours. Wonder... what will happen in coming months...

Starting to miss everyone... and the fact... starting to think of him. Really wish he could call me before I leave

In confusion

2004-12-31T23:51:00.000+08:00

It has been really really long since i last updated my blog.

Was in Australia a week ago. Flew off on the 11th and came back on the 22nd. First to Adelaide, then to Melbourne and Sydney and lastly back to Adelaide. I love Melbourne most; cheap, clean and the transportation is terrific. 3 modes of transportation in which you can choose for, train, tram and bus. Best of all, cheap. Although Sydney has a lot of wonderful destination such as Blue Mountain, the Opera House and etc, I still prefer Melbourne. Firstly, clothes... I can get it easily from the Factory Outlets (They sell at a really affordable price), and it is much cleaner and quieter. I don't know about the others, but Sydney has many flies and there is always litter and a stench which I have no idea where it is from. Bought quite a few clothings back and first time... my dad would spend such a huge sum of money.

Guess what... I am leaving for Germany in like... 4 days time? I really really wanted this student exchange program. To me.. first of all... I get to travel and be exposed to a different environment. Second of all... probably running away from things i don't wish to see or even know... But it looks like it is hard to let go.. Probably this time round... I have friends that I think I will miss a lot.. A mixture of feelings right now. I keep thinking... did i make the wrong move and my heartless self... is slowly diminishing.... Good yet bad...

One word to summarise everything I am feeling... Confused

Off

2004-12-11T13:18:00.000+08:00

Off to Australia

Not doing well and ain't wanna talk about it

Stagnant

2004-11-20T02:04:00.000+08:00

These days, my life is much simpler. Sleep, wake up, work and playing Maple Story. Gosh.. i really dread going work. Fucking quiet and only another me and my other collegue making calls. Kaoz. Hate this job but then... I need money. As usual, I have to bear with it.

Dad has been complaining a lot about me playing Maple Story. I agree. Been glued to this game and constantly playing everyday. Cannot stand one of the people inside. Kaoz. I mean.. it is only a game. Why so calculative about the game and I cannot stand the attitude. Thinks that it (ok let's not define the sex) knows everything about the game. Hates it being cocky. For me... this game is about playing... but just cannot stand losing to it. But the fact... I have already lost to it. AHHHH

Guess what... my leg is swollen and the reason the doctor gave... Probably u were bitten by fire ants. I was like huh?? Pain, swollen, red and it looks exactly like pig trotters. Luckily dad ain't in Singapore to see, or else nagging and laughter.

Haiz... was super super happy when my lecturer called to say I have gotten the overseas attachment. In the end... was a false alarm. He misread the email. SUCKS.

Sigh...

PMS? Mood Swing?

2004-11-11T01:14:00.000+08:00

Been foul mood these days. Probably I realised certain things that i do not like. Why does she always pisses me off so much! Everytime she opens her mouth, it is always the good thing about the son. Ain't I good enough as well? It hurts badly whenever she mentions things that I inherit all the bad stuffs. Sometimes I really wonder why the fuck in the first place did she..... I mean I can understand why she dotes on son. Well, traditional woman, what to do... but she is... fuck... Sometimes just feel like running away from everything... Funny yet true, I never hate the son, infact... we are super close and he is the best person I ever had. Maybe she is right. I am just a piece of shit.

Ain't the mood these days to entertain anyone. Even playing maple these days is a dread. It has been my favourite games these days... but... with all things happening around.... it became my source of anger to vent on the game. I hate it when I am lousy, esp.. I have to start all over again.

AHHHHH!!!!

Disappearing

2004-10-11T21:42:00.000+08:00

Everyone around seem to be disappearing...

Many things have happened... Cannot think logically...

Give Up

2004-10-02T01:28:00.000+08:00

What the fuck man..... Just now I tried to post... all the things just went missing. Ok... re write about it...

Feel like giving everything. School, myself and even this blog. Tired... Really tired...

School.... the on going projects has consumed everyone in my group. Everyone seem to be quarrelling with one another. I finally screamed Pinky. Yah... I know I am bad tempered.. difficult to work with... However... when it comes to project... I always cast all feelings aside. I mean.. work is work.. shouldn't mess with anything. It sounds hard to believe but I always feel that aiming for a better result is the priority and others should be aside. Didn't actually literally screamed infront of her face. Just tell her off. But she doesn't seem to feel that she is at wrong. Yah yah yah... everything is my fault cos I am difficult to work with..... this time... I don't think I am at wrong lor.. Don't know what she is going to do... go around telling pple or what.. I cannot be bothered...

Finally told el about the guilt i have been holding between him, H and L. It did make me feel better... but... now the situation is worse. He told me almost all the stuffs that is going on.. Seriously to say... I am always willing to help out my friends... this time.. I don't really want to know or help. Besides... he and Pinky and probably many others find my logic and theory illogical. So what for I help and seek for my illogical theory. It doesn't make sense at all lor.

Feel like running away from everyone in school except E. Think he is the best... mild-tempered guy + the most optimistic among all of the school mates I seen. Starting to hate what is around me... think my old habits are up again. I cannot stay long with any friends. Tried asking a couple of my friends out.. either MIA or too busy or cannot be bothered. Guess I think I deserve all these. I am basically a lousy, foul tempered friend. So why should they care?

Family life ain't getting good

I WANT TO RUN AWAY !!!!

Touchdown

2004-09-18T01:58:00.000+08:00

Simply cannot stand J anymore. Acting like a fucking slut. Please... Not even fuckable + she puts really thick makeup to hide her imperfection on her face. Please... if el really chooses her, then nothing is fair in this world. Come on... anyone could see that she is merely interested and TRYING hard to get close to el because he is RICH and has a car. He can afford all her branded stuffs and can pamper her with anything. BUT THE FACT is PLEASE... look yourself in the mirror!!! Who would be keen in you?!?! Stupid slut.. worse is... she has a bf. I don't see much affection her towards him. Basically, her bf is just a backup... just in case.. she couldn't get el. Bloody Fucking Bitch.

Guess what... I told el about it! Ha. Touchdown man. Hopefully el doesn't go to the other way and accept her. OH MY GOD. That would be tragic. Frankly speaking, el and I have not been on talking terms. Partly due to I cannot stand her gf and the way things are going. el is a very nice guy til he loses his judgement in getting that gf. Actually... i sortta feel guilty towards H.... If not for me.. el and H would still be together.. and not her. Don't know what el sees in her... Cannot stand her yet I cannot comment as it is my fault... Confusing... well.. don't try to understand because I don't understand well enough

My click of frens... distant... J.. el... pinky... r..... I mean we used to be good friends in school.. Now.. things changed. People want more. I still remained untouched as I believe.. el and roy are definitely my closer friends... the other two... I still have my reserves about pinky and J is a bitch. Oh my... what is going on around me??

Mood Swings

2004-09-13T22:42:00.000+08:00

Was really impressed with the way Creative handle their customers. Well... this is what happened. Apparently the Zen Touch I bought has been causing me problems such as the player hangs and the left side of the headset just didn't have any sound. When I went over for the 2nd time (Headset problem), the left side could play. I am not trying to con them or trying to cheat the technical officers or any of them. BUT it is true... the left side just couldn't work. I was damn embarrassed by the whole situation. The technical officer even called a higher authority figure to resolve this situation. Guess what happened in the end.. Was in for the shock. They actually replaced the whole set for me.. The remote and the player itself. Really really being touched by their services. Thank Bernard Wong and Bernard (Technical Officer). It has been a pleasure to get such customer services from them.

Just finished watching friends... DAMN SAD!!! I have always love this tv serial and been catching it since secondary school days.. Now... Ended... Sad!

Forever Complaining

2004-09-08T01:58:00.000+08:00

I never fail to whine and complain about stuff happening around. Never once did I actually talk about happy stuffs. Sigh... Gonna complain again... My group member sucks siah. I hate it when they dump everything for me to do. Come on... I am not the only one who gets the mark. Worse of all, I am RUNNING A GOD DAMN FEVER AND FLU and still they expect me to finish. SUCKS.

Sigh... today's presentation was my worst of all... Did not prepare and couldn't focus... My head was spinning when I was presenting... guess.. I might have flop it. And worse... today's test... I couldn't finish and practically left a 10 mark question empty. (The test is upon 30). HOW SHIT CAN MY DAY GET!!!! Next.. this Creative Zen Touch has been giving me problems. The remote cannot fit nicely into the player.. and it leads to one side has music and the other practically has soft sound. WHAT THE HELL

Probably god has been punishing me as I have never been good. Hopefully everything will be better tmr! AH!!! FUCK IT!!!

Happy Yet Frustrated

2004-08-30T01:08:00.000+08:00

Went to the Comex 2004. Totally Packed are the words to describe the fair. I was totally buried in the crowd. Was reluctant to go at first but my mum insisted that I have to go... Was in for a total shock when I was in there. VERY EXTREMELY PACKED!!!

Saw a lot of new digital cameras and were practically drooling at them... Found a camera that I really really like... Olympus mju 410.. costing $699!!! Sigh... Well... guess I got to really saved up for it.. My parents were actually searching for a 3-in-1 printer. Dad needed it for work, so ended looking one epson printer. God.. the price of printer these days are dirt cheap... I used to remember printer costing to $500+... now... for just less than $200, you can actually purchase quite a fantastic printer. In the end, dad settled for one with just $238. Can you believe it?

Strangely, dad wanted to buy for me an mp3 player. Was shocked because of recent issues. Found out that mum told him off. Was quite happy about it. Was looking at sony, ipod and creative products. Was actually looking at the new md walkman by Sony.. In for a disappointment. The personnel told me that the new md disc are not in Singapore.. then why should I purchase it. Went to iPod. Greater disappointment!!! Totally sold out! I mean since they are having an exhibition... they should be mentally prepared to have more stocks. Worse is that the sales personnel was quite rude. It adds up to the factor now that I am utterly disappointed with mac. Was a huge fan especially that i love the designs of each products but the personnels at the exhibitions were just too rude! Come on!! If I am asking for that product, it means I have the fucking $$ to buy it... so why the attitude!!! Sigh.... In the end.. bought a creative zen touch. It was not my first choice but still at least THEY HAVE STOCK AND the staffs were VERY POLITE!!!!

However.... when I started recording this new love of mine... the songs are jumpy and the fact is.. there were many screeching sounds from the recording.. Can't be my computer rite? Am going down to the dealer later on to find out more of it... Hopefully I won't get disappointment.

Happy to get a new love (my Creative Zen Touch) but yet frustrated at the outcome as it is not working that well for me... Oh well see how it goes!

Hmmm

2004-08-24T02:15:00.000+08:00

Saw this in someone's blog and I decided to do it myself. Heehee

35 Things (that you might never know/never wanna know) About Me
1. I am very blur but most of the time... I hide it real well
2. I am actually a person who do not like to talk
3. Brain over heart? More likely to be Heart over Brain.. but reality grips me back
4. Love being pampered like a princess
5. Love being kiss and hug, but there isn't anyone yet
6. Afraid of being touched.. cos it tickles?
7. Seldom comb my hair
8. Huge crush on weirdo guys
9. Does not always focus when people are talking
10. Remembers small details of people but cannot remember big things they do for me
11. Likes to day dream
12. Pretend to ignore about my figure but deep down... WHY CAN'T I SLIM DOWN
13. Has a eating disorder but simply ignores it
14. Hates mummy boys
15. Love to drink, smoke and sing but cannot afford such lifestyle everyday
16. Cuts and Dye my hair whenever frustrated
17. Filled with rage, revenge and hate, but try to chuck it aside
18. Am a perfect Actress
19. Loves Hello Kitty
20. Dreams of living alone but yet afraid of cockroaches and other insects
21. Can be quite a spendthrift
22. Hate it when people jumps to conclusion or prejudge me
23. Damn pessimistic
24. Can be a real bitch when PMS
25. Loves arts but know that living with arts cannot earn much
26. Dream of being a boss
27. Cries easily in the room but not outside
28. Forgiveness is not my forte
29. Man stuck in a woman's body
30. Love skirt & dress, but don't know how to react when wearing it and afraid of being laughed
31. LOVES PRATA AND CARROT CAKE
32. Had dreams of being a rich tai tai when I was young
33. Have crushes on guys now and then
34. LOVE Strawberries but hate pink.
35. My brother and my aunt, the best people around for me!!!

Yawnz... will keep posted soon.

Stupid People do Stupid Things

2004-08-17T23:30:00.000+08:00

I am one of the stupid arse around. I never seem to stop quarrelling with people... I know my temper is really foul but I just can't be bothered to change it.. At times I blame myself for the things that I did... However... If I change... will the situation change? I seriously lost in this confusion of changing... Can't people accept who I am?

I do not know much about others.. but me... when a misunderstanding occurs.. I cannot be bothered to alter or amend it. To me... if a misunderstanding relates me.. it means that the person do not know me well enough. Sometimes I also find that leaving it as it is... will create fewer problems.. but it ain't so... It seems like things just get worse... I hate to actually resolve the misunderstanding... as once you are the accused.. no matter how you explain.. people already have the impression that you are guilty.

Sometimes I really wish to scream out loud to tell my stuff and to those who look things only on the surface... But I just can't do it... Perhaps I am the type who just don't like to talk and clear things up... Ever since certain things happen... I just bottle up...

Did a stupid thing today... Scrape my hands with words using a sharp pen... WHAT AM I DOING!!!