I am a Heartless Biatch

Woke up today crying.. yup... ain't a good thing to start during the new year. Guess what I dreamt. Ash.. I thought I have buried this issue some time back... but it seems not. Time seem to transported to the day whereby we are no longer friends. I didn't expect to remember all the details, but I did. It is haunting.. It seems like I am going back to the state whereby I cannot accept anyone again..

I wonder how he is doing now. I have not contacted since ... more than 3 years ago. He was someone I could turn to... when.. and he knows... Til now.. I have yet to find anyone who I confide to.

I hope he is doing fine and well, hoping.. he do remember who I am.

I am always thinking. Weirdest, bizarre and unlogical ideas or thoughts will just come popping right into my mind. This time round.. well... school. Do I have the drive to keep on studying. The thing is.. I have not started school but I have paid some part of the school fees. This is the thing... I need to have at least 40k in order to finish this fucking degree. And judging from what I earn.. it means forgoing a lot of stuffs. Things such as shopping, enjoying certain luxury at times, and most important... TRAVELLING. I mean I love to travel and I do travel at least once a year... Now... I can't. Just can't. I am wondering if I can do without it. It is the only time I am relax and it has sortta become my life. Put it in another way, 40k. It is quite a huge sum of money. Car, downpayment of a small unit.. well lots of things can be done with 40k. I am wondering... can I?

I have gotten over. But part of me feels.. stupid. Stupidity seems to rule over my life ever since I went Germany. I hate to admit it but it has been a fact. I mean how dumb can I ever get. It is like impossible so why try. I lost something precious in the process which makes me feel even worse.

:~~~~~(

Was listening to Class 95 this morning and Vern mentioned about pruning of trees. Suddenly I was transported back to Germany. Yes... I am talking about the men pruning trees in winter in early morning. The situation was embarrassing... but it indeed was funny. I can never 'experience' this anywhere... probably I will if I ever find trees infront of the toilet, a HUGE OPEN window, and myself stripping naked without looking around.

I miss Germany, more of the times back then.... Seriously.. I wonder how they are doing and wonder if they do really miss me.

Spoke to Valene this morning. Yup... she is right. It is just a fling, except mine was slightly longer. I think I won't regret it even though.. Well.. things happen.. and what do I expect from a french guy anyway... It is true... he come to Singapore? <<-- Don't think so. He don't even want his ex when she move to England, what will make it even come here... What was I thinking back then... Frankly speaking... it was a nice fling... and I must say.. french guys are well.. kinda irresistable at times. Classic example of me and Valene. Both hooked up with french. Ha!

Well.. I just read up my previous blogs. Realised that I always complained about living in oversea. Now.. I have the mindset about staying overseas. Hey don't get me wrong. I am not asking for trouble knowing it would be hard. Just that.. sometimes I feel distance makes a heart fonder. I like the life here... just that I don't love it. I know I am asking a lot.. but when people are apart, they will appreciate everything. Now I am working in a huge company... the chances of going over to parts of the world would be slightly easier. Anyway... I still need to pursue my degree, til I finish it.. I would be heading to somewhere else.

I have gotten over it. It is like only 2 days. Probably some part of me just disappeared or I am keeping it deep down. It hurts at times, but I am over it. No point. At least I know I do not need to fork out air tickets to visit. Still... I will be saving up to go for a vacation. No idea yet, but should be backpacking to certain areas.

Sometimes I envy those who post their blogs stating their happy life. I mean it is nice. It keeps people positive. Yes I know I am always complaining, cursing, swearing and whining. Still... I am working hard to stay positive.

I can finally do whatever I want and say whatever I feel. It has been long. By the way just incase you are wondering why did I say the first sentence.. well... last time my EX will snoop in to read. Now... I do not give a fuck about it. Afterall... he is my EX!!!

I used to think that he might be different. Well guess I was wrong. He gave the most absurd excuse for a break up, which is he is moving to Russia and he feels that we cannot continue. Let me just explain. Both of us are having a long distance relationship. He is in France and I am in Singapore. Now... he is just proceeding to Russia. Does that make a difference in distance? To me... nope. Not much difference, I will still have to fly over and it will take more than 13 fucking hours or so. Anyway.. now it won't make any more fucking difference since it has ended.

Pissed... yes I am pissed... I am angry for being stupid in the first place. I mean why didn't I use my brain. Shouldn't even invested in so much emotions into me. And yes I am fucking upset too. Afterall we have been together like... 4 months to a year. Still... it will take some time to heal.

Those previous entry that I made... about me being upset and etc... most of the time I was alone. I mean what took me so long to realise that having a boyfriend is not like having a boyfriend. I cannot feel his love, cannot feel his presence and cannot have him by his side when I needed company most.

I can finally move on.. maybe when time comes... I will just follow them to Australia.

I miss the feeling of being missed. Sound weird? Nope it ain't. I am just wondering if anyone misses me. At least I know when I am missed... I know people care and I know I am being loved. But am I being missed?