I am a Heartless Biatch

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog. My life has been the same routine ever since I started working. Monday - Friday 9am - 7pm is work and work, after which head home to rest (either maple, tv or plain idling and waiting for my boyfriend to come online); Saturday - work half day then either head out meet my friends or come home to rest; Sunday - resting or going out with my family. It has become so dull that I feel like I am about to crumble down. The worse fact is that I feel exhausted all the time. It seems like I am not getting enough rest and I crave to sleep for one full day.

Had a good time yesterday. Meeting up with my old friends and uncle. Catch up with old times. Nelly and me shared our europe pictures with everyone. AaarrggHhhhz! I wanna go to Austria, Italy and United Kingdom!!!!!!! They are simply so gorgeous! *Nelly... if you are reading... STOP LAUGHING AND LOOKING AT THE LOOKALIKE ETHAN HAWKE!!! Muahahaah... She was laughing like a little girl when she showed the pictures. Almost... I would say ALMOST HALF of the album has him.

It seems like some of my friends around me are either down on luck or simply too problematic. I mean it is like friends are friends. Sharing of problems does not mean telling everything. Everyone has their own secrets and it is these secrets that make us mysterious and who we are. I do not believe in telling one person everything and neither do I believe in anyone who will do that. Even husband and wife keeps things from one another. So why do people get so worked up? I cannot deny that there will be a slight anger but to forgo a friendship because of all these. IT IS PLAIN STUPIDITY.

I miss him. Had dreams about him. Not wet dreams but dreams of us travelling. It is fun being around him because we laugh at each other of our own mistakes or simply we have our own fun moments. Now.. we are so far apart. Sometimes I wish that the world can be smaller and things could be more easier. At least we can still meet up and go out. I can't wait for a year later...

*vexed and exhausted*

An unexpected phone call can lead to many emotions stirring. My uncle called. Said he wanted to meet me up to catch up with old times. Oh apparently I realised that my mass email did not reach to everyone, he told me that he didn't get any news from me. Anyway, that is not the important issue. My boyfriend was the issue. Actually my boyfriend's issue has been a hot topic for discussion. So far, none of my friends encourage me into committing into this relationship. All of them mentioned that it will never work. However today.. the one talking to me.. ain't anyone... he is my uncle. Although we are not blood related... but he has always been caring for me since many years back. He pops out questions that I could never answer and the issues that has in relation to my insecurity. I am swayed by his words and now... having second thoughts

Questions discussed
(1) How can he commit into a relationship with me after breaking up with his girlfriend?
(2) Do you know what your boyfriend is doing now?
(3) Does he really love you or merely a substitute?
(4) If he don't believe in marriage, why commit to a relationship and said it is serious
(5) What is his real character?
(6) Are you sure you love him?
(7) How are you guys going to commit when both of you guys are so far?
And etc

All these questions are confusing my emotions. I mean... as what my uncle said. Words.. those are merely words when he said to me. How true is that? Do you really know him that deep?

I am confused...

I never felt so vexed in my life. Many things happened. Sometimes I just wished that everything can just be simple and straight forward. Or I rather I want to recover the days of being an innocent child or a baby where there ain't any worries, complications and problems arising. I know I always told people that such occurences are parts and parcels of life, but there is a limit about how much I can take.

Let me start off with something happy. Well, I have applied for Monash University. To many... it is just another procedure or just an application. To me.. it is something huge. I always wanted to go into University and now .. I am just one step away from it. I do really really want to get into this University as obtaining degree is something I want since.... Anyway, I am keep my fingers and toes crossed. It will be a motive in my life for the next couple of years to come.

Been spending a couple of days with my aunt. She was really happy that I applied for a university and she has been advising me on how to get through with life and etc. I love spending my time with her as the day always end up well. She is like another mum of mine or my best friend. Always there to listen me out and to help me. Maybe she would be coming for my convocation. No plans yet as ... arrgggs... that is another thing I am going to complain later.

I am finally meeting up with some of my old time friends after a year. It seems to be like a routine. Meeting up with each other every year. Well... I do really miss them especially they are the ones whom I spent most of my time with during poly years. It was really fun being with them and I can recall those fun times. Skipping school and asking Gaius to sign.... Neopet with JX and my best buddy.. xiaodi.. who never fails to gang up with me, listen and complain about everyone. Ahahah.. those times... were beyond words. I can't wait to see them.

Received a postcard from Germany. Happy happy happy. It is from one of my friend, Anna. Hee

-end of happy stuff and complain time-

AAaarrGGGggHhhhSsss. Guess what.. my handphone.. just went berserk. Firstly.. mp3 player.. then Fujitsu laptop and now.. handphone. Gosh I am just down on luck. It can't ring and I just have to rely on my senses to predict any incoming calls. Gosh.. I really need a handphone... WHO CAN SPONSER ME!!!

Sometimes.. I always feel.. being extra... or am I really your friend. I just felt that.. at times.. my friends.. well.. they are like.. how do i put it.. I am just plain invisible or when I am of no use... they won't find me. I mean.. when I was in Germany.. I can feel that.. the friendship.. the missing and now.. when I am back.. I mean I am not expecting that well I am god or you must be with me all the time. I just felt unappreciated. Take an example of a good friend. Sortta like I miss her gossips and just plain chatting with her. But when I am back.. I am being chucked aside. Seriously... I don't feel good. I mean I did try to make an effort to like meet up with you.. but you are always busy or probably I am just nothing. My surrounding friends... worse... they are like practically on war with each other now. It is either PMS or jealousy or just plain shit of acting. I do really feel like slapping all of them and asking them to wake up their senses. I just feel that since you guys do not like each other or find that it is so difficult to be together, then don't. What is the point of meeting up and keeping quiet? What is the use of pretending to be close when you are not? For face or for show? It is plain stupidity. I do feel like asking them to sit down and talk it all out.. but I didn't. Know why? They will just shoot back at me for being nosy or you won't understand and those sortta lame excuses.

Hinted someone about what is actually wrong with me. Don't really know if he knows it. But that is so much I am willing to share. I just can't voice my problems out without being drunk. Nope... I am able to say it out.. just that the pride of mine is unwilling to do so. So far.. the only person whom I can actually blurt everything without any hesitation.. ash.. It has been many years and til now.. if I say I don't miss him.. it is a lie. I still do... I wish that we can go back to the time whereby we are still best of friends. I still remember the calls from him every night and the late night drive. All these... practically impossible. I never got any news from him... All the best in whatever he does. Hopefully he still remembers me as a friend.

Valene got her verdict. She has to resit for her papers with a 5 week module... felt really upset for her. I mean.. I am lost of words and I do not know how is she handling.. hopefully everything would be alright.

My parents might not be going for my convocation. +Upset+

Ok.. enought of my whining.. Have to go to sleep especially today is my first day of work and I have to wake up at 645 and now.. it is almost to 3 am.. GGggrrrss