I am a Heartless Biatch

A conversation between me and my uncle in msn. Migraine is me & Francis is my uncle.

Migraine says: old man!!!!!!!!!!
Francis says: migraine, headache, lifsucks
Francis says: wat else?
Migraine says: :(
Migraine says: always saying me
Francis says: ya wat
Migraine says: but correct what... i am having migraine now
Francis says: be positive
Francis says: always so negative
Migraine says: old man.... sobz
Francis says: feel good n u will be good
Francis says: dun sobz
Francis says: i have more problems than u

To hear him comforting me after like a year... was soothing... I have not seen uncle for like many years since I left. He is always like a father to me... who will scold me whenever I am wrong. Though this conversation does not seem very appealing to many... it definitely make a difference to me.

I live in a dream that I can never get
I panick with the fear that I might never walk
I wake up in reality that I never believe
I get lost in feelings that I cannot handle

Yet,
I want to live by my dreams to serve me as a guide
I want to travel despite the fact I may be handicapped
I want to survive with the harsh reality that I hate
I want to contain my feelings so I can feel human again

I have no idea why I wrote this... It just came to my mind when one of my classmates was presenting about Morocco. It is a dream to go there since I was 15. I have no idea why but it just draws me there. I miss my freedom, the freedom of speech, thoughts and writing...

Deep in thoughts

I am off to Amsterdam in just 1 day's time. Off to relax and enjoy! Not going to spend any $$ as I am broke. BUT IT WILL BE FUN!!!

STUPID BLOG. Press the wrong key and my fucking blog was gone and I had to rewrite. It is so different when you rewrite, the feeling ain't there!

It will be another 2 months or so before going back to Singapore and another 37 days before my birthday. I am counting each and everyday as it passes by.

Today was presentation day. Everyone in the class is supposed to present a country which they know little of. Maybe I am over-sensitive, but today definitely ain't my day. Was shocked about the Germans. I mean they know little of the country but to judge them based on such little facts, I cannot help but to feel angry. I know I do not belong to all those countries or are they in any relationship with me, it just doesn't seem right to judge it this way. I can feel the hostility from everyone in the class. Maybe not all yet... (I must emphasize on the word YET), but most of them. I can still recall some of the words said. "If I am given 1 million dollar, I would definitely not learn another language such as Mandarin" To you guys it may seem normal, and yes Mandarin is difficult to master, but why quote this? I mean it is like telling a Chinese I hate Chinese. (Yes you guys gonna say I am sensitive, but I just can't help it).

L came back to me telling me how nice Germans are. Probably it has been instilled in me. I practically cannot accept the Germans in my class. YES I KNOW I AM NOT OPEN-MINDED, YES I KNOW I AM HOSTILE! I mean it is not that I don't wish to know them better.. it is just 4 words. I have given up. To try and to try, it is sickening. Maybe I have this attitude in me, if it cannot do me any good, I cannot be bothered. I tried talking to the girls in my class, but their respond I get... is simply dreadful.

To make matter worse, I sortta like ask pinky to buzz off and have not talked to her since a few days back. I know it ain't really her fault but i just cannot be bothered now. I am already so stressed up myself, that ... at times i really wished that I am still the mean heartless biatch and the one who don't care about consequence.

I really don't know, I have no clue what to do next. I am simply lost. I AM AT THE EDGE OF FALLING OFF!!! CAN SOMEONE JUST FUCKING KILL ME NOW OR MUST I DO IT MYSELF?

I can't help it but feel lost.

Was in Mosbach for the weekend. Before reaching there, I was certainly pissed. The fucking train from Lauda to Osterburken was late again. I mean it is fucking sickening. Whenever it is late, I would miss the connecting train to Mosbach and it will be an hour before another one arrives. LUCKILY, I manage to get there on time. Went to mediamart to buy a digital camera. It is good. Sony Cybershot 4.1 Megapixel costing only 159 Euros. I mean it is very cheap as compared back home. It is also made in Japan. Definitely a MUST buy. Was really very happy when I got it. After, we headed to Mac for a meal and to meet up with my american friend. Had promised him a drink before he left. But he seems distracted and not himself. Didn't talk much to him in the end. Oh god... talking about the world being small. Was praying hard not to see idiots in the bar... caught them coming in after like 1hr later. GggrrRss. In the end, we went over to the spanish place for a drink.

It was really funny. We were busy drinking vodka and having lots of fun and nonsense. We took a lot of pictures with it and will upload into my multiply and here. LIONEL is really CUTE. He looks like a little boy and Juan.. still as attractive as ever. Got to know another spanish called Enrique. He is nice, just unpredictable. Still it was a great weekend.

Went to the vietnamese restaurant. Was angry when I saw that bitch who backstabbed me. I hate seeing her especially I am not forgiving person. She still owes me my money and did not return. FUCKING BITCH!!!!

Tired.... now having International Finance... Imagine I have notbeen sleeping well these days. Thursday night - slept at 4 am and up at 830am, Friday night 4am - 9am, Saturday - No sleep, Sunday 11pm - 730am. Have yet to catch up and this week is to Amsterdam! GOD!



Me with Ez-Link Card


Gorgeous Juan


The 3 crazy people


All of us

It is fucking 3 am in Germany... I am super super super tired and yet I cannot sleep. I mean these days I have been trying hard to sleep... now when I am tired, I cannot sleep. An irony. It is doom's day tommorrow and I am still struggling for it. I mean I just realised that some of the formulae... I simply don't understand. How can I use it for tommorrow when I can't understand now. It is driving me crazy!

I am really stupid. I thought that i had paid the rent. The landlord came knocking on my door telling me that I have not paid. I am utterly shocked. Realised that there is a miscommunication when the deposit is for 3 months and not 2 months deposit + 1 month rent. It means I am going broke soon. Left with only a few hundred bucks in the fucking god damn bank. I mean I am able to survive with it, just that I cannot spend. I am trying hard to save up for my trip to France. God... must try to survive and not overspend... Still need to buy a digital camera... AHHHHHH

I need vitamin M

Finally, after trying for many fucking hours, I can log in to write my blog.

It is a dreadful day. I didn't want to leave my bed and thought of skipping school. But I recalled a friend saying this... you pay so much to go to Germany to skip school? Practically drag my feet to the bathroom. Was really really tired as I tossed and turned again. I have not been sleeping well for the past few nights. It is either nightmare or practically no reason or whatsoever.. and I still miss my eeyor at home. Miss hugging something to sleep... now... it is just an empty bed... with nothing. AaaAaahhHHh! I really regretted not packing it into my bag now.

Finance class again... Was about to doze during lesson. It is really hard to stay awake. Received a bad news. We can't use the laptop for the first paper. The reason for such action, the fucking germans in my class... well apparently they are rich enough to buy a laptop, but their fucking batteries ain't working. WHAT THE FUCK! I mean just because of this incident, all calculations has to switch using calculators. It is really fucked up especially I have spent hours building up the spreadsheet. Thank god, it is a blessing in disguise for me since I always use calculator instead of spreadsheet to count numbers. At least I sortta know how to calculate for those damn fucking figures and calculations should they are out in the exam paper.

Funny, Laurent ask me out for lunch. Rare but funny. Went ahead to the chinese fast food outlet near the train station. At first when I stepped in.. it was like... why are the menu in German. At the same time, there is this lady standing behind the counter. I was wondering.. if she knew how to speak Chinese. I was hesitant to speak until she offered to translate it for me and... SHE SPOKE CHINESE! Ahahaha. AND GUESS WHAT I SPOTTED ON THE MENU!!! WANTON!!! OH MY GOD!!! It has been like ages since I last ate this. Too bad they don't sell wanton mee. STILL... it is one of the dishes that I normally love to eat. Ordered fried noodles. Got a shock again (yes yes.. today I am getting many shocks). The portion was huge, probably the same as Australia, just that at that spur moment, I forgotten that non-asians eat a lot. Laurent wanted to treat me, but didn't let him do it. I just don't feel right especially when I ordered 2 dishes and I know how hard up we are on cash.

Dad called me up today. Chatted quite a while with him. Realised I have really changed. I mean... I used to dislike whenever he calls my mobile back home. Now... it is like I rather stay home and wait for his call. He was teasing me with the favourite dishes that I loved. God, I really really miss Singapore Food especially ba gua. Will definitely have my fill of ba gua when I get home. He also reminded to tour around Germany especially it is turning spring. (Yes! My favourite tulips will bloom! It would be damn beautiful, can't hardly wait)

Really very tired now but I am still struggling with the International Finance. I can't afford to fail again especially my parents are so nice to me. AaaAaAAhhhHHHHhhh!

Today's lesson was mentally stressful. Not only did I realized I was dumb, I was very very extremely stupid. It can be measured with the fact that my IQ is simply 0. For the entire Internation Finance course, I never really knew what the lecturer is talking about. Whenever he explains, it is fine. But once you are left alone, the stupidity starts to hit on you. I don't really know if the Germans understood or it is just me being plain dumb. I always thought that my understanding for the topic would be easier since I have an advantage of knowing english. Now.. god... please help me. Probably they can act well.. I think it is going to be doom's day for me when the exam is drawing near.

Finally got to know the french guy a bit better. I mean he is nicer than what I expected. He offered to bring me around France. I mean it is a really nice gesture. I was touched by it. I mean since I came here, the europeans are not that nice to me. Probably because I am an asian and there is a difference in that. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I am confused about knowing someone better.

Am still waiting for my webcam to arrive. Can't wait to video conference with people back home. :)

Oh boy... 5th day of finance and it is DRIVING ME WORSE. God... you will never imagine what life is like. Have not been sleeping well due to Pinky. God.. now I know how stress you guys (NYP) can be. Pinky has been rushing her projects day and night and I have been seeing her sleep like 4 or 6 am and waking up at 7 or 8am. Hopefully to lighten her load, I offer my help. In the end, I am being affected by it. Lack of sleep and loss of concentration. To make matter worse, last night... I had a continuation of 3 nightmares. All some psychotic dreams, 2 of them, I was on the verge of being killed. I remembered one of them vividly. My family were running around to prevent ourselves from being hunted down. It was really horrifying. 3 times that I woke up, I wished I was back home with my eeyor to hug or just go to my huge living room just to daze.

Finance is really really tough. The lecturer is talking now.. and I simply catch no balls. Am I really that dumb? Thought that Business Finance is hard.... International Finance is worse. It is a mix of economics, international trade, forex, and business finance. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! It is driving me nuts.

Sadly to say, I ask help from some locals for my work. None seems to be willing to do so. Probably it is really time for me to reflect myself. I mean.... I have no clue or whatsoever. I mean mixing around in Singapore is so less complicated.. dislike each other... but when it comes to work... it is still being done and shared. Gosh

Something big happen this week. Being backstabbed. It seems like I am getting this piece of shit everywhere. A bitch borrowed money from me and turn around telling people I borrowed from her when I tried to get back. BITCH. She actually did it to the 3 of us. I mean.. the other girls are nicer. They are willing to forgive her despite her actions. For me.. it is really difficult. I am not a forgiving person. (the only exception was after almost 8 years).

I notice a difference in the people I frequently talk. Probably it is due to stress. I feel the hurt in words there. I mean.. yes.. I am in a foreign country... and yes I do miss a lot of things there. I mean I will always consistently joking about missing the food and stuff there, but the real fact... I never ask those stuff to be here. I am not out to ka my friends, although it is always on my mouth. I mean you guys know me... will I actually do that? Have I ever done that in real life? I mean when you guys judge me, I feel the hurt.

Sad week for me.

OH MY GOD!!!! It is tough! Finance is really tough... plus that the lecturer does not really explain well.. probably I cannot express it well myself and that the lecturer does not know what I am talking. But seriously. FINANCE IS HARD... and worse still.. it is International Finance. I have to start using FOREX and guys... u know how i deal with number. I can really be bad in it. Oh man.... i prefer accounting than this. The germans are also confusing me. I mean at times when I get the answers for the question, they elaborate and focus on many details til I am totally lost. Simply too lost and I am going berserk!

AHHHHHHHHHHH

-Listening Liang Jing Ru - Jie Shou - Nice song

Confused.

It is middle of night and I cannot help but feel lonely. (I am listening to sad songs, ain't helping much) Back home I have friends. Here... I don't even know what friends meant. Basically i feel like a fool.. a tool being made use of. The eeyor that I always hug, ain't by my side.

I am under a lot of stress. The people here are putting me under tremendous stress. They are constantly asking me what I have studied and what have I not touch on. I mean... it makes me tremble so much that I cannot stop smoking. I hate to smoke but I cannot help it. Can you guys believe me panicking about exams til I tremble... I can't believe it myself.. but I did.

Loneliness has grasp me... I want someone to be my side... but I just can't find one.