Friday, May 06, 2005
Emptiness
I hate the feeling of being here and when everything goes all wrong back home. My soul is completely consumed by the frustration of being useless. All I can do is talk and talk. I can do nothing except talk. What is the use of talking? Anyone can do that infact some can do better than me. What is so hard about talking? Just big words and no actions.
I see 2 friends that I dote on... upset. It is not like being plain upset about losing a hair on their hand. It is about life, critical decisions. Elroy... I feel the hardship he has to go through after the accident. It is not an easy ordeal especially... it has to do with his face. I still can remember his words strongly.. "I don't recognise the person infront of the mirror". It is not just words expressed out casually but on a serious tone. Trendy.. going through friendship problems. Not just someone who says hi and bye, but on a deeper level. Unappreciated and deserted, angel turned devil. I felt the pain and urgency of these 2 close friends. I really want to be there to help them out and hopefully ease these pain that they are going through. Hug, talk, going out and drinking. But what can I do now... Some empty words of consolation. That's all. It means nothing. Others could do better than that. Just being there is better those empty words. Physically there. Where am I? In a fucking place whereby freedom of speech is being condemned and loneliness surrounds me.
Family... Things ain't going well too. Dad called up telling me that the whole family needs to go for full body checkup. Apparently there is an inherited complication in our family blood. Hole in the heart. My uncle has just discovered it recently and there is a history in my aunt and cousin. Dad also mentioned that he has not been feeling well these days.
My birthday... I can still remember it.. I spent alone with a bottle of vodka and juice. I missed the feeling of celebration and the usual stuff that I get. Mee sua from my parents and every year without fail, a lunch appointment with my aunt.
I missed home badly and I really really want to go and just hug everyone in sight. This emptiness in me... longs to be home..
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I see 2 friends that I dote on... upset. It is not like being plain upset about losing a hair on their hand. It is about life, critical decisions. Elroy... I feel the hardship he has to go through after the accident. It is not an easy ordeal especially... it has to do with his face. I still can remember his words strongly.. "I don't recognise the person infront of the mirror". It is not just words expressed out casually but on a serious tone. Trendy.. going through friendship problems. Not just someone who says hi and bye, but on a deeper level. Unappreciated and deserted, angel turned devil. I felt the pain and urgency of these 2 close friends. I really want to be there to help them out and hopefully ease these pain that they are going through. Hug, talk, going out and drinking. But what can I do now... Some empty words of consolation. That's all. It means nothing. Others could do better than that. Just being there is better those empty words. Physically there. Where am I? In a fucking place whereby freedom of speech is being condemned and loneliness surrounds me.
Family... Things ain't going well too. Dad called up telling me that the whole family needs to go for full body checkup. Apparently there is an inherited complication in our family blood. Hole in the heart. My uncle has just discovered it recently and there is a history in my aunt and cousin. Dad also mentioned that he has not been feeling well these days.
My birthday... I can still remember it.. I spent alone with a bottle of vodka and juice. I missed the feeling of celebration and the usual stuff that I get. Mee sua from my parents and every year without fail, a lunch appointment with my aunt.
I missed home badly and I really really want to go and just hug everyone in sight. This emptiness in me... longs to be home..