Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Miserable is defined by oneself
One of my friend told me that it is your choice to decide whether you want to stay miserable or get out of it.
In the past, shortly after the major incident in my life, I went completely emotionless, totally I would define at inhuman? I could barely know what is pain, sorrow, sadness. All sorts of emotions just go. Basically I was like a walking zombie. I would not care about anyone's feelings and I live in my own world. Don't even mention about being miserable. I won't even know what it means. But now... it seems so different. It is like I have become human and not the heartless bitch people used to say. I don't know whether should I like it or should I get back to the same. It is like an easy task for me to become who I am used to be. Basically it is just trapping my mind in a state of invisibility, whereby I disregard everything. However to a certain extend, I do not wish to transform. I seen how happy my family members can be when I pull myself out of that state and one last thing that I wanna do is to disappoint them. I am in a state whereby thoughts just run freely and I have not a single clue of what is going on.
I do not know why I care about L so much. Probably I see ash in him somehow or rather. It is like being able to communicate someone with not so much hesitation and I could throw my tantrums whenever I want to. Still no one can be comparable to ash. Maybe it is a mindset, but he was really really good to me. It is only my stupidity and my attitude that led us to this stage. I can still recall the day clearly, the day both of us just walk away, or he walk out of me. How can I find someone who is so similar or the exact opposite of me? How can I find someone who can reads my twisted mind so clearly? He managed to do all these.
I am lost... tell me what to do. Should I change back or should I remain the same? Every emotion is killing me and it is a matter of time before I just break down mentally.
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In the past, shortly after the major incident in my life, I went completely emotionless, totally I would define at inhuman? I could barely know what is pain, sorrow, sadness. All sorts of emotions just go. Basically I was like a walking zombie. I would not care about anyone's feelings and I live in my own world. Don't even mention about being miserable. I won't even know what it means. But now... it seems so different. It is like I have become human and not the heartless bitch people used to say. I don't know whether should I like it or should I get back to the same. It is like an easy task for me to become who I am used to be. Basically it is just trapping my mind in a state of invisibility, whereby I disregard everything. However to a certain extend, I do not wish to transform. I seen how happy my family members can be when I pull myself out of that state and one last thing that I wanna do is to disappoint them. I am in a state whereby thoughts just run freely and I have not a single clue of what is going on.
I do not know why I care about L so much. Probably I see ash in him somehow or rather. It is like being able to communicate someone with not so much hesitation and I could throw my tantrums whenever I want to. Still no one can be comparable to ash. Maybe it is a mindset, but he was really really good to me. It is only my stupidity and my attitude that led us to this stage. I can still recall the day clearly, the day both of us just walk away, or he walk out of me. How can I find someone who is so similar or the exact opposite of me? How can I find someone who can reads my twisted mind so clearly? He managed to do all these.
I am lost... tell me what to do. Should I change back or should I remain the same? Every emotion is killing me and it is a matter of time before I just break down mentally.
Post a Comment