I am a Heartless Biatch

I am determined to get drunk tonight. It is like my world is crashing down on me.. Why must things come crushing down when I am alone in Germany. I miss the feeling of just seeing my parents.. I just knew that problems will be ok whenever I see them (even though problems are not solved... I knew they would be there for me). I miss my dad the most. I never knew how nice he could be until I am in Germany. I guess I was stupid when I was so rebellious back home. But I am glad that I woke up from this stupidity of mine.

To say I never love him.... I am lying. I guess I had fallen in love. Still our problems are not solved. Although I said it all and he read most of them... the issue is not solved. He is right... I am always thinking about only myself. Guess that independent and the ego in me is preventing me from saying things to him. I don't know how to change... but I do still want this relationship... I mean... it is hard to come by someone i fancy. God... what the hell am I thinking?

I just needed to be drunk!

Although I said many times I didn't mind or care about what happens to me and him. But I think I am just in denial. I care a lot. It takes me 5 years or more to get into a relationship, but it didn't turn out what I thought it would be. It is really weird... I know that I don't really love him as much as I do for ash... but yet emotions act strongly. A lot of my friends are asking me to let go.. just that I really don't know how to. I know he is making use of me but still sometimes I wish this ain't true.

I longed to be loved.. to run to someone when I am upset. Just like what I did with ash... but the reality... sucks. I didn't run to him and the fact... I am always crying alone. It hurts... I mean... I need a bf not just for display but someone who can share everything with me... now... I just feel alone...

It has been long since I last updated my blog.... partially due to the fact that I have a boyfriend who snoops around my stuff... I have just lost something called privacy ever since I got attached.

For those who did not know... yes I am attached. Even though I am in Germany... that does not account that I should have a German boyfriend. Well.. to solve the mystery of who he is.... he is a french. Average looking, lean and standing 1.84m. Yes... I am short and yes... he is super tall in comparison with me. I do not have any pictures of him yet as I have lost my fucking digital camera. Will take a picture of him to show you guys. A clue to how he looks like... the movie, transporter. That bald guy or the "handsome Rob" in Italian Job. If you are wondering about his name, address him as Laurent (Pronounce it without the 'R')

I can still recall the days of dreaming of having a boyfriend. Well.. now I got one... but it is so so different. I am not exactly happy, but I am trying to be happy. Contradiction? I have no clue to what I am doing right now as well. People are always saying those who are in loved are bliss. Am I truly bliss? I do not know. This relationship... is a mess. We are constantly having communication problems, either I am too stupid to comprehend his words or we can't communicate at all. Another factor that adds to the frustration is that both of us have big ego. (In case no one knows or unaware of... I HAVE A HUGE EGO. An ego of a man as well) He will never admit he is wrong and that I cannot be bothered to explain stuffs that people do not believe in me. At times... I cannot sense that he is in love with me.

Oh yah.. just came back from Paris... and yes I have yet to update about the amsterdam trip. These 2 can wait.. I will review it when I have the time. Discovered another side of him that I didn't like. Empty promises.. he is always giving empty promises. I am a person who simply dislike people who cannot keep to their promises. Maybe it is only me... If I promise someone something... I will normally keep to my end of that promise.. He... well... as I said empty promises. This is one major flaw of his that I cannot tolerate. I know it is hard to hold to the end of the bargain.. but if promises cannot be done... don't promise... it is like giving false hopes. Maybe this fault lies with all the guys in the world.

Think I will stop here for now... really very angry and simply have no words how to put down on this frustration. Will upate soon

I am living in heaven these days. It has been almost 5 years since I was last attached. It feels good to be loved. However, there is this insecurity demon that never fails to get me. Probably you guys do not know.. I am never confident of myself and the fault always lie to me whenever something just crops up. Unlike the other boyfriends I had, he is different. Firstly, we are brought up in different ways (French and Chinese?) and there is constant reminders of people of how french guys are. All these words are driving me crazy. I know I should trust people, but I just don't know how. Not only I have to handle those words, the distance that we have when we get back home (France and Singapore ain't like Singapore and JB). Just lost in my thoughts.

Love the feeling of being loved, but how long will it last? The guilt in me is overpowering me.

One of my friend told me that it is your choice to decide whether you want to stay miserable or get out of it.

In the past, shortly after the major incident in my life, I went completely emotionless, totally I would define at inhuman? I could barely know what is pain, sorrow, sadness. All sorts of emotions just go. Basically I was like a walking zombie. I would not care about anyone's feelings and I live in my own world. Don't even mention about being miserable. I won't even know what it means. But now... it seems so different. It is like I have become human and not the heartless bitch people used to say. I don't know whether should I like it or should I get back to the same. It is like an easy task for me to become who I am used to be. Basically it is just trapping my mind in a state of invisibility, whereby I disregard everything. However to a certain extend, I do not wish to transform. I seen how happy my family members can be when I pull myself out of that state and one last thing that I wanna do is to disappoint them. I am in a state whereby thoughts just run freely and I have not a single clue of what is going on.

I do not know why I care about L so much. Probably I see ash in him somehow or rather. It is like being able to communicate someone with not so much hesitation and I could throw my tantrums whenever I want to. Still no one can be comparable to ash. Maybe it is a mindset, but he was really really good to me. It is only my stupidity and my attitude that led us to this stage. I can still recall the day clearly, the day both of us just walk away, or he walk out of me. How can I find someone who is so similar or the exact opposite of me? How can I find someone who can reads my twisted mind so clearly? He managed to do all these.

I am lost... tell me what to do. Should I change back or should I remain the same? Every emotion is killing me and it is a matter of time before I just break down mentally.

My class in concentration



Me and my class rep, Erlande

Miscommunication can be disasterous when it becomes nasty. I hate what is going on and I have never been so upset til this stage ever since I came Germany. This is the most extreme. How I feel about it? My heart just shattered, I can feel the pain and the sorrowness coming it. I cannot help but feel gloomy. It is not easily recovered and I have no clue will I ever recover from this pain... it can be disastrous when you think you know someone when you don't really know. Probably I should just shun away for now.

I WANT TO RUN AWAY!!!

Was thinking of many things alone when I strolled through the park. It has been long since I ran away in peace and ALONE. It is stressful being spied upon everyday. I cannot believe the people living in here. Forever spying on me. The things that I purchased, the things that I have done, I can see it repeating in a cycle in those spies. Example: I purchased a particular fruit juice, the very next thing on the next day, I will see the same product on the shelf. It is sickening to see it everytime this happens. AaaaHHhhh!

Dad called today. We chatted for quite a while. He was worried especially when I was not able to pick up his call for many days. Just broke down to him when i told him the hardship here. It was really tough and he knew it. He just kept consoling me to bear with it and it would soon be over. We spoke about the past and the foul tempered of mine and things that we never talked before. Probably it was my stubborness and the miscommunication uncleared led me to always running away from home. Now it is the stupidity that led me to staying here.

Spoke to Elroy. Could feel his pain and he almost broke down too. He had no one to turn to especially confiding about the accidents and the after effects. At that point of time, I really wished that I could hug and console him, but I am in Germany. Well, guess me and him... have to be strong and survive.

My tears were about to flow when I am writing this blog. Guess I should stop before I really start to sob again. Will update about my amsterdam trip the next blog.